Coolacious! Coolerific! COOLEXCELLENT!
THE HITHERTO HIDDEN AND VERY VALUABLE “RULES O’ COOL”
(Or: How to Be Really Cool Without Even Trying) by Bob Bitler
FOREWORD By Ethan Andrzejewski ’13
He is an expert in many sciences, international affairs, and engineering, a fan of tennis and Ultimate Frisbee, and a family man with firm religious and political beliefs. He was a long-time member of the Peace Corps, has traveled the world, and speaks numerous languages. He was the captain of the prank team at a very prestigious prank university. He is cool. Very cool.
Mr. Robert Bitler taught me Physics in my junior year of high school. Thanks to him, I know about Newton’s Laws, electric circuits, and Einstein’s Law of Relativity. Despite the fact that I don’t plan to pursue physics, Mr. Bitler’s class was one of my favorites in all of high school. Mr. B. created a stimulating and open learning environment. What differentiates his teaching style, however, is his passion for the personal development of his students. He took it upon himself to teach us valuable life lessons. The most memorable of Mr. B’s speeches is undoubtedly his “Rules O’ Cool” series.
The rules o’ cool transformed my approach to high school and to life. They have taught me to pursue my passions, allowed me to admit that I can enjoy a chick-flick as much as my sister, and made me proud to stand up to peer pressure. They have redefined my definition of what it means to be cool. I can now see beyond the traditional high school definition and appreciate the passion and dedication, the coolness, of the Acapulco group and our nationally ranked fencer.
The truth is: we need more people to preach what Mr. Bitler is preaching. Teenagers, faced with great pressure and stress, are blinded from the realities of life. High schoolers need a wake up call – a push toward maturity and away from the uncool.
Introduction
Hey there! – Are you a teenager who feels so very uncool? Do few really notice you? Do you seem to just blend in? Do you have only a few lukewarm ‘friends?’ Are you sorta like everyone else? Are you kinda boring? Do you wonder if you’ll ever have a spouse and a family one day who love you for you?
Or – are you one of those adults few really ever pay much attention to? Are you a ‘nice’ person that everyone ‘likes,’ but no one really notices? At the PTA? In church? When you bring your kids to sports practices in your town? Do you feel disconnected from your own kids? I mean, you know they love you, but would they really prefer that you not be around that much? Are you often sorta ignored by your kids’ friends? And their parents?
Do you – teen or adult – feel as if everyone else got great gifts and talents in life, along with sparkling personalities – but that you didn’t? Would you like to be one of the ‘in’ crowd – one of those others naturally want to be around? Would you like to be a good influence in the world? Would you like to live a more meaningful and wonderful and joyful life?
Well – Hey then! Whether you be teenager or adult, I’m really glad you bought this little book. Why? Well – because this book is all you need to be super cool – and – because the right kind of coolness can add greatly to your happiness in life. And what’s more – you can do it without even trying very hard at all. Yeah really. You can be cool. And ya know, if you became cooler, you’d have more interesting friends (and have an easier time of finding good friends), be more liked, have a more exciting life, get along better with your children and their friends (if you should have the good fortune to be a parent one day), have more ‘sway’ with your kids and others, be more popular (and in a good way too [more about that later]), and be happier and get more out of life overall. Sound hard to achieve? Sound impossible? Well, then dare to read (and dream) on…
And well – as we all know – a whole lotta people in this world want to be cool, right? Probably you do too, or you wouldn’t have bought this book. But sadly sadly, we can’t all be cool, or just logically, being cool simply wouldn’t mean anything at all. Right? I mean – cool has somethin’ to do with standing out – and if we’re all cool, no one can stand out. Yeah? But that’s OK. Why? Because many people in this world aren’t very cool at all (and never will be) – and hey – there’s still plenty of room for some more cool people (otherwise known as ‘cools’). Why, even you can be one of the cools. But how? Well, just read this book and learn from it. Really. That’s it. Sounds simple, right? Actually, it is. (And indeed, a great many of the ultra best and most wonderful and glorious things in life are indeed actually – and surprisingly – the simplest.) Humans tend to overcomplicate all sorts of things. You don’t have to.
Now – we’ll talk a little bit later about why people want to be cool (as there are, of course, cool and uncool reasons for wanting to be cool …), and about what it means and all that – but let’s just admit it – a lot of us would like to be cool. I mean – let’s admit that up front. I would. And I think you would – or you wouldn’t be reading this book.
And hey – you want to know something? When I went to high school (way, way back in the Cretaceous Era) – there were some really ‘cool’ kids here and there (many of whom made a deep impression on me as I grew up) – but in truth, there weren’t that many. Most kids were actually quite boring and average and well, uncool as heck. I myself had little flashes of coolicity here and there – but for the most part – I was pretty darn uncool too.
Now yeah sure, there were a LOT more kids who thought they were cool (but were anything but!). And there were a LOT of kids who tried really hard to be cool (and thus weren’t!, as we’ll see) and then well – there was all the rest of us – the ones who would like to have been cool, but who really didn’t understand how. And so – in this book, we’re gonna answer that age old question: How in the heckity-heck do you ever get to be cool? What makes you cool? Is it the same as being popular? Is it the same as being a daredevil? Is it the same as doing immoral and/or depraved things? Is it fitting in and bein’ like everyone else? Do you have to be pretty or handsome to be cool? Do you have to be clever or talented to be cool? Do you have to be on the football team or the cheerleading squad to be cool? Do you have to be rich to be cool? Do you have to have a girlfriend or boyfriend to be cool? Do you have to use bad language to be cool? Do you have to smoke pot and skip class to be cool? How do you do it?!!? What’s the secret!?!
Well – that’s what this little book is all about. It’s about the eternal and always knowable (but exceedingly unintuitive) Rules O’ Cool that you (or anyone) can follow to be cool. Yeah really! (But wait! Warning! Warning! Warning! – Don’t tell people that you’re trying really hard to get cool from instructions in a book! Because, well, that would be just so really, really uncool…) Instead, just sorta glance through the book when you’re by yourself, and think about some of what I’ll be telling you, and take to heart some of the secrets herein – and then just let yourself become cool – as if you figured it out all on your own and it happened naturally. Moreover – many of the things I’ll be telling you are those that some people figure out in their lives as they accumulate wisdom. But one huge part of wisdom is learning to recognize it, and being willing to accept wisdom that others have already accrued. In that way, you can bypass a lot of tough learning experiences and frustrations in life. And that’s why, for instance, parents and religious teachers and so on seek to pass on wisdom accumulated by them and their forebears to you – because they love you and care about you. No different here. The ideas about being cool which I’m passing on to you are to help you in life – to have a more pleasant and fulfilled and joyous life. The real truth is, I see huge numbers of sad, conflicted, destructive, lonely, angry and lost teens and adults these days. It doesn’t have to be that way, as we’ll see. The situation in society, in case you haven’t noticed, isn’t really that cool at all. (Just pick up one of the tabloids at the grocery store and force yourself to read it, front page to back page, if you’re not catching my drift…)
Now going through this book is not hard (because the Rules O’ Cool are super simple), and it’s fun! The best part is actually trying them out and discovering that they work. I’ll show you how. But be prepared also – for the Rules O’ Cool are actually not at all what a lot of people think they might be – and are actually very surprising to many (especially teens). And that explains right there why so many people are just so really and totally uncool, even though wanting so desperately to be. In other words, be prepared for some surprises.
So OK. Up for some real coolicity? Great! Read on, as we start exploring and understanding the number one and very first and most important rule o’ cool! Ready? Hold on to your brains…
The Number One and Very First and Most Important Rule o’ Cool
To Be Cool, You Have to Be Different!
(or put another way…)
You can’t be cool by being like everyone else.1
(Corollary: Because hey – if you’re like everyone else, then you’re just average!!!)
Now wowsers! You might not have expected that first rule o’ cool – because, you know, a whole lotta kids (and many adults) think (if you can call it that) that the way to be cool is to be like the other kids (or adults). Don’t believe me? Just think about all those hordes of wanna-bes at school, desperately trying to ‘fit in,’ to be like the other kids, to be ‘part of the group.’ Or think about all those adults – rushing to have the same furniture everyone else does, and the same house shutters, and the same kind of car, and the same group of friends, and the same hobbies, and the same kind of yard, and the same, the same, the same… The truth is: This is by far the most important cool rule there is. Because if you don’t follow this one, you’ll just be like everyone else (which actually, is very, very, very uncool). Don’t believe me?
Why, just think about it. There’s that big group that hangs out after school in the woods and smokes pot – so you start to think that must be the ultra cool thing to do too. Another large group makes fun of kids who work hard – so you start to wonder if that’s the way to go. Another group makes fun of geeky kids, or tall kids, or fat kids. And then yet another big group starts being really ‘selective’ about who they hang out with, and make a huge point of excluding all the rest – so you start to think that’s cool (if you could just find a way to be ‘in’ with the ‘excluders’). – But of course, you’d be just soooooooooo wrong… For the truth is this: If you’re just like the other pot-smokin,’ make-fun-of-others, exclude everyone else kids, then well – you’re just like other kids! You’re just a plain boring average ordinary (and by the way – not very pleasant) kid. Yeah – you heard me. Why, there’s nuthin’ special about your doin’ that stuff at all! You’re so lame you have to muddy up your lungs and brain with a drug or tear down others to make yourself feel better. But hey, kids like that are a dime-a-dozen – nay, a dime-a-thousand. If you were an apple, it’d be like saying: “Wow, all the other apples are green. I’ll be one more green apple, and then I’ll be a cool apple too! (But the truth is: No one will even notice you in the barrel with all the other green apples.) The plain fact is: If you want to be cool, you have to stand out. You have to be something other than just one more green apple in the barrel. And well – most kids think exactly and precisely the opposite. They think that if they can just be like the other kids, they’ll be cool too. The truth is, again – if every apple dyes itself green, then bein’ a green apple is just ordinary. And hey – ordinary is never cool. That’s why most kids (and most adults actually) don’t stand a chance of bein’ cool. They ARE excruciatingly ordinary (and often and ironically because that’s exactly what they’re trying their hardest to be).
And can I say something else? (Well, it’s my book – so actually – I can.) The intense desire of so many to ‘fit in’ and be like everyone else is so strong and prevalent in school (and in society), that when you become an adult, the desire to ‘fit in’ and be like everyone else tends also to be very strong. The truth is, most people have been trained to want to be like everyone else – and are often deathly afraid not to be. (And that would explain why, for example, everyone has the same dining room furniture in the suburbs, or why everyone switches to plain white outdoor Christmas lights all at the same time, or why all the adults suddenly get into playing poker or golf at exactly the same time – or why all the kids have to have the same new I-gadget – or why everyone in the world is suddenly afraid to speak up and tell difficult truths about sensitive things (political correctness – something which will not last by the way, as it is very uncool [and untruthful]). Why, it’s the ‘in’ thing to do! Everyone else is doing it! I have to believe what and act like everyone else believes and acts to be cool!) And hey, if you really want to be a sheople who’s blindly following the herd – you can do that. Nobody’s stoppin’ you!! Heck, you can be the most average student (or the most average suburban houseowner) there is simply by working hard to be ‘like’ everyone else. (Better go buy your crabgrass preventer now.) In the same way, you can agree with whatever everyone else believes, and be just like everyone else in belief. Just blend everyone else together in the blender, and be the average mush of the blend. Of course, no one will ever remember you for anything. But at least, no one will have anything untoward to say about you. Why? Because you’re just like they are. So while safe and risk free, such is not, when you really think about it, so very cool, is it? The truth is again; you simply can’t be cool by being like everyone else. And – as per that bothersome and related corollary – if you’re just like everyone else, you are just average and nothing more.
So – let’s do some critical thinking [which is something a lot of kids and adults have forgotten how to do…]. If what I’m saying is true, then to be cool, you’re gonna need to differ from others in some real way. Yeah, that’s right – your gonna need to be unlike all the others in some way. Now hey, of course, sure, if you make a habit of drooling on yourself in French class, or you never shower, you won’t be like all the other kids, but you won’t be cool either! So what does the first Rule O’ Cool really mean? Well, it simply means that there’s got to be something special and interesting about you which distinguishes you from others – that’s all. Now wait – don’t get all upset – because you might not believe there’s anything special or interesting about you (and well, the truth is, maybe right now there isn’t). But hold on to your horses, we’ll get there.
So first, let’s just take a look at a couple of simple examples – to see how the first Rule O’ Cool works. For instance, Betty sings beautifully every year in the high school play. She doesn’t brag about it (bragging and being prideful [thinking you’re of more worth than others] are actually always uncool, as we’ll see), but she’s got a really beautiful voice, and she acts well too, and maybe she’s going to be on Broadway one day. Everyone admires her for her talent, and the gracious way she uses it, with cheerfulness and humility. The school plays are really great, and it’s naturally a pleasure to hear her sing in them. Now that’s really cool. Betty stands out, and in a wonderful way.
But then there’s Jimmy. The first Rule O’ Cool applies to Jimmy too, but in a somewhat more difficult way. Jimmy’s a great tennis player, with a real passion for the game – and has helped the high school team win several school championships. At first the football players made fun of him in the locker room – thinking tennis is not a ‘man’s’ game – and given that Jimmy’s, well, sort of a spindly and gangly kid. But over time, they’ve seen how he practices and puts himself to the wall to win matches. They’ve seen the total commitment he has to training and excelling and competing and winning. In actuality, they’ve come to see that really, he’s a great athlete and competitor – with just as much endurance and a lot more agility and quick reflexes than they have – and with a fair amount of strength as well. Sometimes he works out on the weight machines, and they make fun of his skinny build – but he doesn’t get upset. He just smiles and tells them: “Guys. I love football, and I’d love to play football, but I don’t have the build. So I picked a sport where I could excel and succeed.” And when he comes into the locker room now, they sorta respect him. Furthermore – he doesn’t brag about his tennis, and he doesn’t put down football either. Instead, he always asks the football players how things are going – and he’s even shown up a few of their football games. And actually, some of the football guys are now modeling their approach to their sport on Jimmy’s approach to his. One day, some of the football players even show up to cheer Jimmy on in an extra tough tennis match against their school’s big tennis rival. Now that’s really cool. And hey also, note that he’s different; skinny and gangly though he is, he’s the el primo tennis guy. He’s not like everyone else.
And then there’s even the case of Billy, who’s just not that good at sports, but who has found some coolicity in something really, completely different. Billy really, really likes history, and knows a whole lot of interesting things from the past. At first, people thought he was a weird nut. They’d come into the cafeteria, and he’d be talking on about Charles Martel, or Genghis Khan, or Machiavelli, or Thomas Aquinas. They couldn’t imagine how anyone would want to know about such people. But still, Billy’s audience has been growing steadily, and some of the kids and he formed a history club, and a lot of kids are starting to say how interesting Billy is. And now – even a lot of kids who don’t really like history like hearing his stories about things long ago – and actually jostle to get a spot close to him at the lunch table. And everyone thinks he’ll be going off to a great college, where he wants to study history and then go into law. And a lot of other kids begin to realize that Billy’s got a knack for something, and a plan for the future, and – hey – that’s sorta cool compared to the kids smokin’ pot out in the woods behind the school every day. (And also – as we’ll see – it’s actually cool to really enjoy learning and knowing stuff… – just the opposite of what so many kids think.)
But OK! Yes, yes, of course, I know, I know – the big problem is – a lot of us just aren’t super talented, either in the arts or in sports or in academics. Why, we might be in the play, or in the chorus, or on the track team, or get decent B+ grades in history, but hey – we all know that won’t make you cool – because then we’d be just like everyone else. And well – let’s get real. A whole lot of us are just like this. We’re decent at a lot of things, and we participate in a lot of things, and we’re ‘nice’ people, and so on – but there seems to be nothing really that special about us.
So what then? How can you apply the first Rule o’ Cool to your life if you don’t really excel at something – if you’re not great at singing or tennis or history?!?
For instance – I myself happen to be a middling tennis player, and I like tennis a lot – but I’ll probably never win tournaments. I’m also a decent piano player – and occasionally I can pull out the wow to amaze other people – and I mostly play for my own enjoyment. And the truth is – neither of these abilities will make me cool. There’re a whole lotta people who are decent tennis players and who can bang out a tune on the piano. Now you or people you know might be in this situation – you’re decent at a lot of things, yet cool at nothing. That’s how most people in the world are!!! (Most people in the world are in the average band – that’s what the average is!) And so – if we apply the first Rule O’ Cool to ourselves – we have a conundrum. To be cool, you have to stand out, and yet we’re just like the multitudes who don’t stand out. What a sad state of affairs… But fortunately, hey, there’s a solution! And it’s (logically) this: if you don’t excel at something cool, then develop something with regard to yourself that is commendable and interesting and different that you can actually do and that you like doing. As it turns out, that would be really cool. Yeah really…
Don’t believe me? Or don’t believe this is possible for you? Well, let me give some concrete examples:
But hey first, let’s take an important tiny momentito to remind ourselves again that you can’t be cool bein’ just like the other kids. Let’s review. Sally watches 3 hours of degraded TV programs every day – and text messages her friends around 300 times a day (talking mostly about boys) – and uses the word ‘like’ three times in like almost every sentence she speaks – like most all the other kids – and likes to go to parties and drinks herself soused, just like all the other kids. And what do you notice about her? SHE’S JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS! She’s not cool, not even close. Because remember – you can’t be cool by bein’ like everyone else. It’s just that simple. Fitting in doesn’t make you cool; standing out does. Being a sheople just makes you an indistinguishable fleece in the herd. Blending in makes you blended in.
So OK. So now that we’ve reviewed that, how about some examples of cool kids who weren’t born with great and wonderful talents, but still are different enough to be interesting and cool…
Here’s one striking example: Timmy’s hobby happens to be magic and sleight-of-hand. Some kids think Timmy’s hobby is incredibly dorky, but hey – he’s developed some actual talent (which just about anyone can with serious practice). He can make a real rose appear in his hand and give it to a girl he likes – as he did in the cafeteria the other day. She laughed and was tickled – and gave him a kiss on the cheek! A whole lotta boys (and girls) noticed. And when he asks her out on a date later, or to the junior prom, he’ll probably have a better chance – since he’s already charmed her. And he can make things disappear too. He can take someone’s napkin in the cafeteria, and crumple it up in his hand – and then voila! – it’s vanished! No one can quite figure out how he does it. And he can do the most amazing card tricks. He can also make these little balls appear and disappear, and show up in people’s hair across the room. A lotta teens laugh and enjoy being entertained by Timmy, and they are always trying to figure out how he does what he does. (And he never tells…) And after a while, people start inviting Jimmy to parties. Sometimes he does a little magic; sometimes he doesn’t. And he never does unless people really ask (i.e., he doesn’t show off). But alotta times people do ask, and because he’s good at what he does, they really enjoy it. (Jimmy’s also smart enough to do just a little [to leave them wanting more] – and not bore everyone with countless tricks – and to change his repertoire from time to time.) And then hey, one day, Jimmy was in the news for winning a magic competition at the local community college – and was in all the neighborhood papers – which all the parents noticed and told their kids about. Now – most people don’t realize that when Jimmy started at magic, he wasn’t very good at all.2
In fact, he was really, really awful. But he enjoyed it as a hobby, and worked over time at improving his skills. Indeed, his tricks are really something that almost anyone can do with a little work and practice. So even though he wasn’t great at sports, or acting, or singing, and so on, he was able to find something that makes him interesting – and which he enjoys. And hey – after a while, Jimmy actually developed a ‘rep.’ He became the ‘magic’ kid in high school, and always had a lot of fun with it. He does tricks that wow the boys and charm the girls. And hey. The band teacher even asked him to start off the high school band concert with a couple of magic tricks. And people started sayin’ – Wow, that Timmy, he’s real cool. And Timmy even starts a magic club, and more kids learn some really amazing magic, and hey – he even gets a world famous magician to put on an act at the high school one evening. Why, even the parents think he’s cool! (OK, OK!!! – that steps waaaay over a line… I know, I know, uncool alarm, uncool alarm!!!) But c’mon – you get the idea…
Here’s a another example: After school, a whole lotta senior guys who have sports cars (which they didn’t earn the money to buy) like to parade them around the parking lot, revving the engines and so on. The other boys aren’t impressed by the show-offs with fancy cars, and to tell the truth, most of the girls aren’t either – because showing off is always really, really uncool (more later). But then still there’s this one guy (whose parents simply cannot afford to buy him a car) – Brian – who got a job and worked hard and saved up to buy a super fast racing bike, and rode it to school and home every day. He’s so fast, he often passes the school buses stuck in traffic on the way to school in the morning, while kids yell at him from the windows. And then, every day, Brian zooms past all the girls standing in the front portico of the school. Once in a while, he blows them a kiss, and they all laugh and wave. Sometimes he stops to talk with all the ladies – who always ask about his bike, and where he rides it, and so on. He even rode in a bike marathon, and helped raise money for autistic kids. Many of the girls thought that was very, very cool. (I mean, how many boys are doin’ stuff like that in your school?) He’s very with it, because there’s something about him that is different from and exciting compared to everyone else. He’s the racing bike guy (and he usually doesn’t have any problem getting dates – because hey – he’s cool – and all the girls know him and like him).
Now – and this is really important – notice that magic guy and racing bike guy didn’t get into such to be cool – they did it because that’s what they really enjoy. They pursued their passions – and they don’t mind being different. They don’t mind if others make fun of them, and they’re not ‘sensitive’ about being involved in different things from other kids. And why should they be anyway?!? If other students laugh at you because you ride a racing bike to school everyday, that would be their problem, not yours. If you let everyone keep you from ever being different by laughing at you occasionally, why, you will never have a shred of a hope of being cool. Yup. You heard me. Put another way, if you want to be cool, you’ll have to get used to snickers and snarky laughs, and others who enjoy putting you down (which also, by the way, is really, really uncool). Cools just enjoy the things they’re into (regardless of what others think). They don’t mind being different from others, and they aren’t enslaved to the idea that they should be. They’re cool (without trying to be cool). More deeply – both magic guy and racing bike guy have some courage. Indeed, courage is always required if you’re gonna be cool in some way that most others aren’t. What do I mean? Well, Betty had a great singing talent, and high school society (and the rest of society) takes that as being cool, right there. But history guy and magic guy and racing bike guy do things which are a little bit quirky, and not the sorts of things that everyone on TV and in society adulates and praises. So for them – they have to have some courage – especially at first. If someone shouts an insult at racing bike guy from the bus – he doesn’t fall apart and feel embarrassed. (And hey – why should he? Because some jerkazoid made fun of him? There’s nothing wrong with riding a racing bike to school!) Same with magic guy. So what if some other kids think he’s a dweeb and a dork?! He likes magic; there’s nothing wrong with having that as a hobby, and as he gets better, he gets cooler. So actually – one of the corollaries to the first Rule O’ Cool is this: To be different from everyone else, you have to have courage. Without courage, and without innate natural and amazing talent that everyone immediately respects – you’re going to have to have some courage to put the first Rule O’ Cool into action. If you can’t muster up that courage – you’ll just probably never be cool. If you can’t take someone’s laughing at you, you’ll probably never be cool. (And there are bazillions of kids [and adults] – who if they get laughed at, immediately shrink and hide and cower – like the cower-ds they are.) If you guide your life by what everyone else is saying about you, you’ll just probably never be cool. So… man up; woman up; and muster some courage.
Now – one of the most amazing things about this is this: When you look out at really ‘cool’ people – most people (and especially most teenagers) – don’t realize that there was a lot of courage involved in the beginning. That famous rock band with the different sound? Well, when it got started – everyone mocked them and trashed them. (Beethoven was mocked and trashed by the critics when he unveiled his 9th Symphony to the public.) But some liked the band’s sound, and the band played for fun – and at least some people, here and there, liked them. Over time, more and more people came to like their style of music, which was refreshingly different – and they eventually became cool. So – when you see a refreshingly cool person, know that there inevitably be some courage there. And that’s a good trait to emulate in general – apart from being cool. To live a good and real life requires (especially these days), a lot of courage (especially with regard to sticking up for your ideals and morals and beliefs – more on that later). And – while we’re on that note – it’s not a bad idea to get to know some cool people – to see how they use their courage. And then hey – that’s an even broader concept – isn’t it? For in general, when you see something you admire in someone, don’t be afraid to humble yourself enough to learn from him or her. And that idea – humility – is another cool concept which will take up a bit later – OK?
So to sum up – you have to be bold and brave in your difference to be cool, and not worry what people say about you. You can’t be different, and hide your difference – because then – nobody will know you’re different! Magic guy’s not afraid to do magic tricks in front of others – even if he gets mocked at first. Racing bike guy’s not afraid to ride his bike to and from school – even when everyone yells at him from the bus – and when the other guys are revving up their car engines and making fun of him in the parking lot. Tennis guy doesn’t fall apart when other guys in the locker room razz him – and he eventually earns their respect and becomes cool in his own way. Magic dude and racing bike guy and tennis guy all have confidence and a little chutzpah as well – and simply don’t live their lives in fear of what others think or say.3
What about adults? Well, for example – we have a friend who, with her husband, bought a very nice house on a very nice street in a very nice suburb (in New Jersey). All the houses on the street had front bay windows, and all were decorated with curtains of a certain sort. When our friend moved in, she decided to put up blinds on her front window, rather than curtains. Moreover, she had certain ideas about how she wanted to decorate her house. She decided against the same china cabinet that everyone else had in their dining room, and she decided against the same sort of cabinetry in the kitchen. Outside, she decided against the same sort of garden everyone else on the street had, and planted wildflowers instead.
Well, within days of putting up blinds in the front window, neighbors (all wives) from up the street stopped by to visit. At first, our friend thought such was a really nice gesture – but it turned out that the real reason for the visit was to convince her to put up the same sort of curtains everyone else had so as to preserve a certain ‘look’ on the street (bland uniformity). And our friend resisted – and some of the other wives got upset! To this day, some of them won’t talk to her – and she (correctly) refers to those ‘ladies’ as the “curtain police.”
But – there’s more to the story than that. Once they realized that she dared to be different with regard to gardens and interior decorating and such – and that she couldn’t be ‘rolled’ into being just like everyone else – a couple of the other ladies befriended her, and confided in her that they didn’t want to be just like everyone else either – but that they had lacked the courage to do something different. So she helped them plan gardens and interior design for their houses – that they liked – and also helped them tell the other wives that they weren’t going to be the same. Over time, the uniformity eroded – but our friend (who is a very kind and charming woman) – became the ‘cool’ lady on the street. Over time, even some of the other ladies came around, realizing that it was sorta foolish to try to impose uniformity on everyone. And they even came to like our friend! Now the street is decorated beautifully, but each house is noticeably different, with interesting variety. The whole street is beautiful and attractive. That’s very cool.
Howzabout with regard to myself? Well, I’m a teacher at a really great (and interesting) private school in New Jersey – and some kids came and asked me if I liked to play Ultimate Frisbee, and if I’d be interested in advising a new frisbee club at the school. The answer was yes on both accounts. So we started a frisbee club – and we go out and play Ultimate at least twice a week. Now – I’m a pretty old guy (Yikes! I noticed a gray hair the other day…) – in my fifties – and I immediately got razzed by a lot of students and teachers. (“Frisbee’s not a real sport, right?” “Aren’t you too old to do that?” “There won’t be many kids interested…” “You look really stupid playing Ultimate with the kids.” Etc. etc. etc.) But – in my mind – hey – I really like to play Ultimate – and I freely admit I’m no longer as fast or quick or spry as 15 and 16 yr. olds. But I can really use the exercise (as can the kids), and in the club there are many who can use some pointers on good sportsmanship and fun competition and Ultimate strategy so on. Also – the exercise and fresh air and sunshine are really good for all of us. It’s fun and good for us at the same time! A win/win! I really don’t care if others make fun. Interestingly, many teachers have now asked me if they could play – and I always invite them out to join us. But few do come out – in part, I think, because they’re worried about not being ‘good’ enough and looking ‘uncool’ in front of the kids. I tell them not to worry – it’s just a club for fun. As the club has progressed, we’ve all gotten better at our Ultimate skills. Indeed one day, the entire varsity lacrosse team challenged us to a game. We stepped up and accepted the challenge – and against some very fine athletes. We had a lot of fun playing, and to the lacrosse players’ incredible surprise, they went down 0 to 7!!! Now the frisbee club has earned some respect and become sorta cool, and we get new students out on the field each week. Many of the faculty now tell me they think it’s really cool that I go out and play. That’s great – but I never went out to play to be cool. I went out to play because I really enjoy it – and there were a lot of kids who wanted to learn Ultimate and they needed a faculty advisor. Yet at the school, I’m now the frisbee guy! Cool.
And so now, before we wrap up the first Rule O’ Cool – Here’s one extra extra last example on the first and most important Rule O’ Cool – from my own high school a long time ago. I knew a girl in high school named Amy. Amy was sort of a plain-looking girl, who did OK in class, and sang mezzo-soprano in the third row of the chorus. But no one really noticed her. She was attractive, but not a super stunner in the opinion of most of the boys. She had a nice personality, but she wasn’t super witty, or bubbly, or anything like that. The truth is – she was sorta ordinary – in a decent and plain way – just like a bazillion other girls (and boys). She knew she wasn’t cool, but – she was wise enough to figure out the first Rule O’ Cool all by herself!4 She started to think about it, and thought about something she really, really liked. And the truth is – she used to like knitting quite a bit! (Sounds really, really uncool, doesn’t it?) She doubted she could ever be cool by liking knitting – but didn’t have much to lose. So she decided to be bold and confident and to give her knitting a try. She decided she would bring her knitting to school, and start to knit after classes in the lobby of the school while waiting for the late bus. Now at first, there were all sorts of kids who make fun of her – yelling stupid things. (“Hey granny, did ya finish the quilt yet?!?”) She was a little stung, but she also had the requisite courage, and so, she smiled and laughed – and kept on knitting. That same afternoon, a number of other (unstupid) kids asked her what she was doing, and about what she was knitting. (And some of them remembered their grandmothers knitting things for them [including me]…) And it turned out, she was knitting a winter sweater – with a great traditional reindeer pattern on it. (Such sweaters used to be commonplace, but they no longer are.) Some of the girls asked her about it – and how to get started. A couple of guys asked her if she’d knit sweaters for them. Amy didn’t have that much time, but when the captain of the football team asked her (and because she liked him), she agreed. A couple of weeks later, the football captain had this really great sweater which he liked to wear around school. And all the kids realized that Amy had knit it, and they started to ask her themselves for sweaters. And since she only had a little time, she knitted sweaters for just a few of the guys and gals. And after a while, it became really, really cool to be a guy or a girl with an ‘Amy’ sweater, and more and more kids asked her about it. Then, one day, the school newspaper interviewed her for an article in the school rag – and she talked about how she’d always liked knitting, and the cool things you could knit – and why – she became a real standout at school! She was different; and she was suddenly cool! And oh yes – it turns out that she and the football captain went to the junior prom and started dating – and (and yes – this is what really happened) – he asked her to marry him two years into college. They are still married with a wonderful family of four children today.
And thus you can see that if you apply the first Rule O’ Cool in good faith and boldly and with confidence (and don’t worry about what others at first say) – you’ll be well on your way to being cool. (Of course, the nine other Rules O’ Cool I discuss in this book will help too! Interested? Well, then read on…!) Oh – one last other thing. When I told people I was going to write a book on how to be cool, they all laughed and told me how stupid an idea that was. Now, when I show them drafts of parts of the book, they’re starting to think that maybe, just maybe, such might be cool. I used to be more average; now I might just become the cool book about cool guy.
And now – the essential, tough and often misunderstood but exceedingly important:
Rule O’Cool Two
It’s uncool to be bad.
Now OK – this is the second most important of all the Rules O’ Cool. And it’s by far the most serious and unpopular and most hard-hitting rule. Nevertheless – if you choose not to follow it, you won’t and can’t, in the long run, end up cool. So hang on to your hats, read on, and try to get through it – on the way to some of the more popular and lighter and fun Rules O’ Cool which follow. Remember – I’m not writing a book that is meant to be just fun (though some of it hopefully is!) – I’m writing a book which purports to tell you the truth about certain things. And – one little part of the truth is – alotta folks don’t really like to hear tough and difficult things (particularly ones which require some sort of moral self-discipline and self-control or a retreat from selfishness). And further – just like the first Rule o’ Cool, alotta kids (and adults) think just the opposite from the truth – which in the case of this rule means: they think that bein’ bad is somehow cool! And hey – that’s been true from the beginning of time. (I should know; I’ve been around for a long time.) Indeed, there’ve always been hordes of teenagers and adults who believe that there’s nothing cooler than rejecting and rebelling against the moral teachings and standards of their parents, their families, their societies, their religions and their teachers – and that doing things which they are told are ‘bad,’ is actually cool. And since alotta kids and adults have this completely bass-ackwards, that’s one big reason, as we’ll see, why they’re so incredibly unhip. Because again, many, many people in this world think that by doing selfish, immoral, depraved, harmful, degenerate, mean and/or cruel things, they’ll be cool. Why, many think takin’ drugs, putting tacks in the teachers’ tires, knocking people’s mailboxes off their posts late at night, trash talkin’ and gossiping non-stop about others, being profane, smokin’ in the boys’ room, getting drunk every Friday and Saturday night and vomiting into toilet bowls, being sexually promiscuous5, undermining and lying about others, making fun of others’ difficulties and shortcomings (which, of course, we all have, including yours truly), scaring and intimidating older people, etc. etc. etc., will make them hip. They think that undercutting others (rather than helping others and building them up), and doing things like forming selfish and mean little cliques actually makes them smart and just so with-it. The truth? All that sorta stuff (and the list is truly endless…) – just degrades you and makes you less or worse than you might otherwise have been. And self-degradation (or the degradation of others) is never cool. It’s really just stupid and sad and soul-wrecking and detrimental to all. The deep truth is – lowering your moral standards, and/or making yourself much less and/or worse than you might otherwise have been always ends up demeaning yourself. Because all the demeaning and degraded things that a person can become or that can happen to a person come from walking over important moral boundaries.
Now of course – yes, yes, yes – I do know – all of this depends on what you consider moral – on what you understand to be right and wrong. And that is a very big topic (indeed, one of the very, very deepest of all) – which we’ll touch on in just a bit… But know this: in life, you can reach upwards for all that is good, beautiful, noble and true, or you can let yourself fall into all that is bad, cruel and selfish, ugly, degraded, built on deep lies and truly ignoble. While the latter might ‘feel’ cool for a while (especially if you’re in a group with others on the same little bandwagon), in the end, it never truly is.
But before we get to all of that – and thus purposefully avoiding that profound question of what is good and what is bad for the moment – we all know that alotta kids (and oftentimes adults) get into bad things for sad and tragic reasons. And let’s talk about that for just a moment. We’ll just assume for now that we all have some definition of good and bad (if we’re not completely amoral)6 – and might agree that some things anyway constitute badness.7 I’ll come back briefly to where ideas about good and bad come from – but that is not really the focus of this book (though many, many books have been written about such). The focus of this book is how to become ‘cool.’ But if bein’ bad is really uncool (an idea with which many disagree) – then it’s important to at least briefly consider why so many choose the ‘bad’ to begin with. And really – the three most common reasons, I think, are selfishness and peer pressure and anger.8 The first just has to do with the deep natures of man and woman. Babies and little children are born selfish and wanting their every want to be catered to. They cry when they desire something, and they have no thought for the well-being of others. Most little kids eventually learn empathy, and caring for others (more later) – but sadly, a great many never grow out of their baby selfishness – and see the world primarily with regard to what they selfishly want. They see the world as an antagonist to their desires, and they set out to get what they want (no matter how, no matter what happens to the other, and no matter whether the other is hurt or trod on). With regard to peer pressure, the desire to ‘fit in’ and to be seen as ‘one of the group,’ is deep-seated in humans as well. We want very much to be accepted and liked, don’t we?9 Indeed – it’s that same inclination which compels so many teens (and adults) to try to be like everyone else – thus making them average and impossible to be cool as per the first Rule O’ Cool. That’s why so many kids get into drugs – when they know perfectly well they shouldn’t – or why so many get into nasty little cliques which put down others – when they know such is not kind or truthful. But other reasons for people getting into bad things include that they don’t value themselves very much, they feel like they are failures, they don’t see a happy future, they are scared, they are not smart or prudent enough to reason through to likely consequences from their actions today, they just simply don’t care about the other, they long to ‘be someone,’ and for someone to give them an ‘identify’ (which often turns out to be with the other degraded kids – as, say, in a gang), they think they ‘know better’ than those who would provide them with moral instruction, they are afraid to see their own shortcomings and weaknesses, they are lacking fathers and the tough moral guidance10 often provided by fathers, they have difficult situations in their lives (like abusive parents, or divorce situations, or poverty, or not being as well-off or as smart as others) and so on, and so on, and so on. In addition, all these types of things often make young ones angry – for they feel the injustice of the lives into which they were born – and they lash out and try to ‘get back’ at society and those they don’t like by doing what they know society does not approve of morally.
On a related note – there are also a great number of kids who lack real self-esteem and self-worth – which is not the sort of modern psycho-babble which tells young ones: “Why, you’re so wonderful because you’re you, and every little thing you do makes you special!” The truth is, when kids start realizing there’s actually nothing really all that particularly special about them (i.e., they’re relatively average, or not as clever or smart or gifted or as cool) as other kids, and after having been told forever that they’re “super special” by people who, worried about their feelings, basically lie to them, it’s a huge (and sometimes life-affecting) downer. Because the real truth is that most of us ARE just average, or close to average (which is what average means, after all. Real self-esteem, rather, comes through having the fortitude to accomplish difficult objectives (like getting an A in physics, or graduating high school without both parents around to help and guide you, or overcoming your fear of public speaking, or joining the basketball team and gritting it out with your teammates through thick and thin to win the championship…), and from staying the path in the face of obstacles – and from taking responsibility for oneself and others, even when it’s really tough and life has dealt you difficult and/or unjust situations. That kind of kid (the one who takes responsibility for him/herself and others) is usually ten times more mature and grounded and together – and has tons more real (as opposed to fakey-fake) self-esteem – than the one whose little pretend world of ‘you’re so wonderful’ is falling apart because of some bad grades, or a can’t-be-avoided meeting up with some real and unwanted truth about themselves, or a bad situation he/she got into. And when a kid (or adult) finds their (fake) self-esteem cracked, they again often lash out and become involved in self-destructive behaviors, or start to identify themselves by the bad things they get into – as a way to express their anger and disappointment.
Finally, a great, great many in this world (in my observation) feel terribly lonely and unloved, and seek attention by doing things they know are ungood – as a cry for help and attention and love. In that vein, seriously religious kids – kids who believe in God – at least in the Judeo-Christian belief system of which I’m part (I’m a serious Christian.) – believe that they are loved by a divine love, whether they be average or not, and whether or not they feel love from their parents and others at any particular time. Non-religious kids may sometimes not feel any real and true love in their lives at all. (I have known many in my life, in all parts o’ the world.) And not believing one is loved (for whatever reason) – can often lead to depression, suicidal thoughts (particularly when confronted with difficult problems), feelings of darkness and worthlessness – and falling into bad and horrible behaviors.
Now – many of you will no doubt object – even vehemently – given the tough things I’ve just said. “Bein’ good ain’t cool!” many will undoubtedly insist. “Nobody wants to be the ‘goody-two-shoes!” “Being a Boy Scout ain’t cool!”11 But hey, cool down, ladies and gents – because I agree with you!!! Bein’ good, in and of itself, doesn’t make you cool. It just shows you’re responsible and mature and thoughtful about what is truly good for yourself and others in life. And hey besides – if you look at the past paragraphs – I never actually claimed that bein’ good is cool! Right? Rather, I said bein’ bad is uncool. There’s a world of difference between the two statements. In reality, this very important and crucial second Rule O’ Cool is sort of an inverse rule. For it’s a rule about preventing yourself from descending into those things which will make you really, really uncool, and prevent you from ever having a shred of a hope of really bein’ cool. Rule O’ Cool Two is a preventive rule – an inoculation against descending into degraded uncoolicity.
So, don’t believe me?! Think bein’ bad is cool? Well, instead of my explaining and lecturing (I know – enough already…) – let’s take some real and true examples from when I went to high school – and think about them.12
Take Billy for instance. (I’ve changed names to protect the real people I’m talking about.) He was a kid I knew through middle school and high school. Billy, when he was in sixth grade, started to realize that he’s not all that quick in mathematics (as is the case with many). He had trouble with fractions and decimals, and he never really quite sorted that out. When he got into algebra later, he had trouble understanding how the whole subject worked. His parents, both of whom loved him very much (and still do), nevertheless constantly pestered and prodded him about doing well. And the truth is: it was really, really hard for Billy 1) to tell his parents that he was having trouble understanding math; 2) to admit to himself that he might just not be that good or that smart in that subject; and 3) to get help (like from the teacher and the free tutors at school and from his parents). Further, his dad was really good at math (and was an engineer). Billy wanted very much to be like his dad – but in the math department, he wasn’t succeeding. Internally, that was crushing Billy’s spirit – but he was afraid to say anything at all.
So sadly – around in 6th grade – Billy started to cheat. At first, he would sit next to Janice, a really smart girl. And when she was on page five of the test, he’d make sure he was doing page five of his test. And he’d look over to see what her answers were when the teacher was busy or not looking. One time the teacher sorta did see him, but didn’t take any action. And basically, Billy got away with the cheating (like hordes of other students do). And sadly, once Billy got hooked on cheating, he constantly devised ever more elaborate ways to do so. For instance, he would write formulas and notes on the back of his calculator with a magic marker that was hard to see on the black surface. And naturally, over time, Billy began to become far more reliant on his cheating methods than on actually studying and learning material, and over time, he knew and understood less and less, and his life became a determined effort to get decent grades through trickery and deceit. In short, he became trapped by his own dishonor, lies and trickery.
Also, over time, alotta the other kids began to realize that Billy was a huge cheater – but they didn’t turn him in. They knew, somehow, that it’d be breaking some kind of ‘code’ to turn him in. But even though they didn’t turn him in, they lost respect for him and started to despise him. Who wouldn’t? I mean – they all studied for their tests. So Billy became the sort of kid who wasn’t respected by anyone – because everyone knew he was a constant cheater and liar. Even more sadly, Billy didn’t even respect himself. He knew his Bs and As were based on cheating, and he couldn’t even bear to tell any of his classmate his grades – because they all knew he was a cheater. Inside, Billy knew he was a failure, but far worse, someone without honor. That ate at him a lot, and then one day he decided to do drugs (cocaine13) to mask the pain inside he felt. Three months later, his stomach was being pumped out at the local hospital, and he had to drop out and enter drug rehabilitation. To this day, he struggles with the temptation to take drugs to ease difficult situations in his life. And so – you can see – the whole thing, from beginning to end – is really, really uncool. He fell into some bad stuff – in a very human way – and ended up with a tarnished character, super low self-esteem, and an addiction to drugs. He wasn’t particularly cool before that descent – but once he went down that path – he became very uncool. Others lost respect for him, and he for himself. The saddest thing of all (and this is very common) – he failed to recognize the breadth and scope of his parents’ love for him, and did not understand that they would understand and be sympathetic to his having problems in math (and with drugs later…) A lot of damage was done Billy – all of which was preventable – and all of which could be forgiven (but which he refused to get help for). Uncool.
Here’s another one: A boy I know in town (involved in scouts and sports with my sons) – was telling me about a girl – let’s call her Dora – in our local public high school. Dora is a kind and thoughtful and interesting girl – but she has a huge birthmark across the right side of her face. It’s deep purple and covers almost half of her face – and involves a deficit of something in her facial skin – and the truth is – it doesn’t look very good. Indeed, it’s pretty shocking and scary to look at her at first, even though it’s perfectly harmless. Apart from the birthmark, Dora would have had a very pretty face – but the birthmark is there. Well, anyway – I was chatting with this young fellow – and asking him how Dora was getting along. And he was telling me that Dora had a few loyal friends – whom she had known for a long time – and who were loyal to her, and who could see through the birthmark defect to the person below. He told me that he himself always tried to greet her, and treat her as he would anyone else. – – – But nevertheless, he was telling me – there were a bunch of girls in the school who said horribly nasty things about her, and sort of shunned her in an obvious way (as if they didn’t want to be contaminated by her). They didn’t actively bully her, per se – but they would laugh behind her back, and make jokes about her in the cafeteria and so on. One day, Dora confronted a few of them in class, telling them: “Hey listen. I know my birthmark looks really horrible. I’ve known that all my life – because I have to look at it in the mirror each day. And – it’s really hard sometimes not to be envious of you all – with beautiful faces – and not to cry. And it’s also hard to hear rotten things said about me that have only to do with my skin – which is the way it is through no fault of my own.” Dora was hoping for some understanding or maybe sympathy or a glint of friendliness from the girls who had been so unkind. But instead, they recoiled at the idea that Dora was actually holding out to them a higher and more loving standard – and at the shame that the defective one should confront their own selfishness and cruelty that way (in kindness and love). Later that day, they put a snake into her locker – and Dora screamed and cried when she opened it and the snake slithered out, and she was out of school for three days. The school couldn’t punish the girls, because they had no proof of who had done that. – – But anyway – you get the point I think. The cruelty and unkindness shown by those girls – toward in innocent person with a kind heart – is so very uncool. They probably engaged in those behaviors because they felt, somehow, insecure about themselves in some way – and mocking Dora was a way to puff themselves up as ‘better’ than Dora. (This tendency in humans, by the way, toward pride and arrogance toward the other, is very strong in some – and a temptation to virtually all humans.) And again, the girls who did this were not particularly cool before, but became very uncool after – as word spread about what they had done. Even those who were not friends with Dora, and who sorta avoided her – were appalled at the cruelty shown by those girls, and started to shun them. Those girls became – very, very uncool. – – – And as an addendum, according to the teen from my town – some others started to be kinder to Dora. And – Dora is in college now and dating a very kind and noble young man – who sees beyond the birthmark to the loving and pure and mature and magnificent heart below. I hope it works out for them.
Here’s one more true example from when I went to high school – sort of a grown-up example involving real and more ‘adult’ things (i.e., sex). It’s a bit heavy hitting – but it’s true – and again it demonstrates how bad stuff doesn’t make you cool – just the opposite.
There was a guy on the football team when I was in high school – Eddy. I knew him – though I never liked him. He was brash, and way into himself (though he was a good football player). He would swagger around the school with his sidekicks, and sort of make disparaging remarks about others (especially other boys who weren’t as tough as he was). He would also talk about girls in a very crude and lewd way in the locker room (I and many others could always hear him, as our tennis lockers were right across from the football team room)14 – and brag about his ‘conquests’ with the girls (though no one knew if he was lying or not). And – somewhere along the way – he had set his sights on a very kind and pretty girl – Jane. He informed everyone in the locker room one day that he was going to ‘have’ Jane (sexually) – and he started suddenly being really nice to her, and telling her how much he liked her and so on. I myself, in a hamhanded sort of way, tried to warn Jane about him, but she didn’t believe what I was trying to tell her. Long story short, they went out on a couple of dates, and later that month, Jane was missing from school, pregnant at home. I remember, at the age of seventeen or so, being very shocked and saddened and angry about it.
Jane (to her credit) told her parents everything, and they were (understandably) distraught and disappointed and shocked – particularly since their daughter had completely broken their trust and flouted their (in this case Catholic) teaching about sexual morality. She pointed to Eddy as the father-to-be – and Eddy’s family’s response was to offer to pay for an abortion. Eddy also insisted that he had used ‘protection’ – so that it was not his fault – and that he should not have to take any responsibility whatsoever. Eddy seemed oblivious to the fact that his child (his future son) was alive and growing in Jane’s body (as if he had nothing to do with that child!) – and it was clear that he did not want to be held accountable in any way for the act he had engaged in and which had created that child. And indeed, condoms often do break and/or come off, and voila, there was Dora pregnant. But to Eddy’s way of explaining it, it was as if she had been conceived immaculately. His parents and his friends backed Eddy (and incredibly, started trash talking Jane and her family). They called her a ‘whore,’ even though it was Eddy who had sweet-talked her, and told her he loved her, and that they would have a life together15 – when all that Eddy really wanted was to have sex with her (and especially to brag about that in the locker room). Others in the school saw him very clearly for what he was.16
When word got out, I went to see Jane at her house. She seemed so peaceful and calm, but sad, so very sad, given what had happened. She told me that Eddy had just swept her up in everything, and made her feel extraordinarily special – and that on the second date – he had dropped the: “I love you,” line – which deep down she had always craved to hear from a boy. – And well – you know the rest. (It’s not like this hasn’t happened a bazillion times in high schools across the land…) And she she broke down and cried while I was sitting there – and I hugged her – and she begged forgiveness from me for not having believed me about Eddy. (I begged forgiveness from her – for not really making sure she understood what I was trying to say.) – – I asked what she was going to do.
She told me that she was not going to abort the baby. She told me that she had learned her lesson – which was to trust in the moral teachings of her faith and of her parents – and that neither she nor her parents wanted to kill and steal away the life of the baby within her (her child, and her parents’ grandchild). Her father had talked to Eddy’s father – and Eddy’s father had basically told them that with no abortion, Eddy would not take any responsibility whatsoever – and that they (Jane’s family) would have to raise the baby on their own. (Eddy’s father, like Eddy, was a selfish and callous sort of guy.) I listened to all of this in a kind of shock – and really, for the first time in my life, I started to understand some deep things regarding male and female and faith and sex and sexual morality. And I do particularly remember: Jane looked so peaceful and calm – and even to this day – I think she had that special ‘glow’ which women get when they are pregnant.
So – Jane did indeed have the baby – a beautiful baby boy whom she named John – and she and her family struggled to raise that baby. Jane finished up her high school education by going to school at night – and some years after this all happened, met a very wonderful man – Ted – who married her and agreed to be, in good faith, John’s stepfather. John was now seven years old, and was a handsome, cheerful and agreeable boy – who was overjoyed at last to have a father. Moreover – John didn’t seem to have the same self-centered streak in him as had his real father. Ted became a good father to John, and they formed a good and strong family.
And yet – the story does not end there. About a year after Jane married Ted, Eddy drove by their house and saw John playing in the yard. According to Jane, he sort of wobbled out of his car, which he had parked in the middle of the road, walked over to John – playing in the yard – and asked him if he knew who he (Eddy) was. Jane and Ted had told the truth to John from the beginning, and Eddy cried when he saw his son, according to Jane. Ted and Jane offered Eddy the chance to become involved in John’s life, and for a little while, he did – taking John to the park and throwing a ball with him and so on. But then about two months after, Eddy suddenly disappeared – leaving town, and leaving all their lives forever.
Now – we see that through Jane’s love (and Ted’s love) – John was allowed his life, and that life became a decent and happy one. Though of course, down in John’s heart, there is probably intense and visceral pain at the thought of his real father’s abandoning him – twice. That leaves a horrendous mark – the sort of which not all recover from. And Eddy – everyone speculated – had probably left town because he had lost the respect and support of so many – for refusing to take responsibility for and to truly love (all the days of his life) and to raise his own offspring. And knowing Eddy the way I did – I would not be at all surprised to discover that there are more little Eddies around in this world – who are missing a father. But basically – the way Eddy set out to ‘have’ Jane that day in the locker room, and to callously use her as he did – changed her life forever – and his own. Yet her life did eventually became cooler (for being different, and having and raising the child in love, and not giving in to the whispers all around her to abort their child), while his became vastly uncool (for doin’ bad in so many ways – including completely abandoning the son he had helped create).
Now – I don’t really think I need add any more examples here. I’m sure you can think of many in your own lives – where bein’ bad – even though it seemed like fun and cool to begin with – ended up being very, very uncool. But before we get on to the very amazing third Rule O’ Cool, a couple of really important points about Rule Number Two.
Being good is good, by definition – not necessarily cool. But choosing the good lets you find ways and have the freedom to be cool. If you’re not involved in some sort of badness – you can far more easily devote your time and efforts to things which are really cool (and really good). Bein’ good gives you the possibility and liberty of becoming cool. (Yeah really!)
And hey – I need to say something really deep and crucial here also. Being good is infinitely more important than being cool. This book is about a sort of funny and fascinating topic – being cool. But being good is far more crucial to a truly joyful and happy life than being cool. So – if you have to choose good over cool, choose good. I’m just pointing out that by choosing bad, you won’t be cool. Sometimes I tell kids to ‘Be cool, be good, be wise….’ Actually, I think I should say: ‘Be good, be cool, be wise…’ The first (even though that is not what this book is really about) is far, far, far, more important to a great and fulfilled and free and unburdened life.
I also up to this point haven’t really addressed how to know what is good and bad. On that, I would only say to listen carefully to what your family and your faith (if you are religious) tell you. You may not understand all the moral rules which come with that – but they are honed and sharpened through the ages, and are designed to give you a superb life. I myself am a Christian17, and Christian morality is very, very demanding and tough – but based on deep forms of love (properly understood). Though I certainly haven’t been perfect (far from it…) – trying to honestly follow the morality of my faith (and honestly repenting of my failures) has only brought me great joy and beauty and accomplishment (and an amazing and wonderful wife and family) in my life. I am far, far, far better a person for it and far more joyous than I ever would have been without. – – – If you want a good general rule, always listen to those who love you the most when you want moral guidance. Those who love you the most will dare to tell you things morally you might not like to hear. Those who don’t really love you won’t bother. They simply don’t care enough – or they are trying to be ‘nice’ – and indeed nice indifference (very easy) is actually an enemy of true love (very tough).
And then finally – there is a corollary to all of this: It takes a lot of strength and self-discipline to stay the good course. In life, many others will try to get you to do bad stuff they’re into – and to come down to their level. They do that so that they don’t feel bad about themselves. If you fall in with them – then you’re no longer an example to them of what’s not good about them. The peer pressure to engage in things you know you oughtn’t can be intense – particularly for teenagers. And – it takes a great deal of strength to say no to strong temptations for things which are ungood – and it takes even more strength to face those whose path you refuse to follow. Often – choosing the more moral and better path will get you called names, and being derided by others, and becoming the brunt of great cruelty. Good providence in finding the strength and self-discipline you need to stand up to that (though of course the more you practice having that strength, the stronger you will become). And to be able to become really cool – and to not fall into the bad (thus destroying your potential coolicity) – you’ll simply have to learn the requisite strength and that self-discipline. There is no other way.
And alright alright – this was all a sobering and grown-up and sad chapter. – Howzabout one super last example with regard to Rule O’ Cool Two – on the lighter side?! Fair?
Well, what about Billy – again from my high school? It turns out Billy didn’t swear or cuss or use profanity. Yeah – that’s right! He didn’t have a trash mouth. He was not a softy and afraid to swear – in fact – he was the star player on the school’s baseball team. Now – all the other kids (when I went to school) used to swear all the time. Indeed, I often succumbed to the temptation to do so myself, so as to be ‘cool.’ (MUCH more about that in the next chapter.) Indeed, alotta kids I used to know couldn’t make a sentence without using the ‘F’ word three or four times (and thinking they were actually cool by being like everyone else that way), or – without calling other people really degraded obscene names. But Billy never did that. He boldly and cheerfully told everyone that he didn’t swear – and told them that he wanted to keep his talk clean. Now at first, everyone made fun of Billy, and told him that he was a goody-two-shoes, and so on – but he used to just smile, and repeat what he told them – that he wanted to be pure of heart and not say degraded things all the time.
A little game developed (which was a lot of fun, I have to admit), where everyone tried to get Billy to swear – but he just never did. (I was exceedingly clever in this department, but he was tough…) Then one day, some of the other kids shot Billy in the back with a high pressure water pistol, and he got angry and swore! They ran through the school, telling everyone they’d gotten Billy to cuss. And – still – he was a good sport! He told everyone he slipped, and that he was sad about it – and that he intended on keeping to vow to not use profanity. He even made jokes about that one swear word. And actually, over time, alotta kids really came to respect him for his stand (including a lot of the serious girls), and when they thought about it – they were all pretty sick themselves of the constant use of the ‘F’ word, and the constant degraded talk. And they admired Billy for daring to be different (and to have an unexpected and real moral standard in the cussing department) – and to have the courage to stick to his guns even when others were mocking him. Some of the really nice girls came to admire Billy for his stand, and reached out to him, and (and this was a big eye opener to me) – he got a lot of dates.
And maybe then we can see something interesting from all of this. For if you haven’t realized it already, and if we think about it carefully, rule two is just part of rule one! Yeah, that’s right. Why? Well, because anyone can be bad! It’s easy, and convenient, and self-serving, and often pleasurable. Anyone can do stuff they shouldn’t – and a lotta kids (and adults) do. Lots of kids rebel against their parents, and lots of kids get into drugs and alcohol and sexual promiscuity and other stuff they shouldn’t – and these days they’re the average ones! A deeper truth is – it’s really, really cool to know right from wrong, and then to have the courage to do the right – to have moral standards to live by – and the real strength to live up to them. Why? Because that makes you, in many places these days, refreshingly different. And then further, as we’ve seen, it keeps you in the possibility range for becoming really, actually and truly cool.
So – be good, be cool! (They go together…)
Really Important & Essential Rule O’ Cool Number Three!
If you’re trying to be cool, you’re not!
OK – we’ve now seen two mega-super-important unintuitive Rules O’Cool. The first is exactly the opposite of what so many teens (and many adults) believe, and the second goes to very deep things (good and evil). They are both foundational rules – for learning how to be cool. The new third Rule O’Cool above completes the primary triad of the unintuitive Rules O’ Cool. If you really ‘get’ these three, you’ll be well on your way to abundant coolicity. But of course that’s not to say Rules O’Cool four and on up to ten won’t help. They will! It’s just that the first three are the most important. The first three are fundamental and foundational. If you get them wrong, you’ll never be cool. In honesty – you can build a great house o’cool – but first, you’ll have to have the right base for that house. That’s what the first three Rules O’ Cool are.
Now with regard to this new third core Rule O’Cool, the truth is: Coolness goes with who you are, but you can’t manufacture it! You can’t be cool by thinking you’re cool, or by trying to be cool! And perversely, and oh-so-unintuitively, the more you try, the less you are. So – how can you become cool, then? Well – you have to let it happen organically. You really have to let yourself naturally become a cool person. Acting cool – or trying to act cool – is, well, just an act. If you’re trying (without the requisite inside change) – it just ain’t gonna work.
And before we delve deeply into this third Rule O’Cool, let me just give you an example. Try going, say, to a high school dance with teacher chaperones. Occasionally, a middle-aged overweight teacher (like myself, unfortunately) will get out on the dance floor to show his/her ‘stuff,’ as the teacher tries to act like he’s/she’s 18 again. The teacher will be trying to show all the kids how ‘cool’ he/she is, and that he/she can part-ay, and so on, but will be seen by most all of the kids as completely uncool and super lamo. Why? Because the teacher is trying to be like an 18-yr. old, which he’s not and cannot be. Sorta pathetic, right? (Oh-so-sadly, alotta teachers and adults don’t really get this…) Now that is not to say that a dancing teacher can’t be cool – he/she can! What’s the difference between the cool way and the uncool way? Well, it’s the trying to be what you’re not which makes the teacher above so completely uncool. But yet still, on occasion, a really cool teacher will be asked, prodded, begged by kids to come out on the floor, and the teacher will resist. After being overwhelmed by the kids’ entreaties, he might just relent and casually saunter out and then just wow the whole bunch. Very cool. Why? Well first – coming out after being asked (and after resisting) shows the kids that the teacher is still fun and can laugh at him/herself – and that he/she knows he/she’s not 18 anymore. And further – if the teacher happens to be a great dancer – the kids will be astounded (and it’s waaay cooler because the teacher didn’t feel the need to show off to begin with). [Much more on people just happening to discover ultracool things about you later…] Because the kids know that the second teacher wasn’t trying to be cool, and was cool enough also to subject him/herself to probably some embarrassment out on the dance floor – that teacher became hip dancing. Zehr cool.
Now – you may never have thought about this before – but we all know lots of kids (and adults) who try really hard to be cool. How do they do that? Well, there are so many ways it’s almost impossible to count. They brag (uncool), they show off (uncool), they get into bad things (uncool, by the second rule), they form little cliques that denigrate everyone else (uncool, as we’ve seen), they do outrageous stuff (but which most others just see as foolish), they pierce themselves in ten places on their bodies (ouch!), and so on. They’re always trying so hard – hoping that others will see their enormous efforts as cool.
So – as we educate ourselves about this Third Rule O’ Cool, let’s take a gander at another (common) example. Back in the day (about 400 years ago, when I went to high school) – alotta kids – mostly girls (but some boys too) would work hard to get all new clothes for the school year – and would be in constant communication about what is in or what is out. It’s funny now (as it should be – and I could certainly see this coming even back in high school) – but there were all these clothing fads in my day which just look completely idiotic now. Bell-bottoms for the guys were a big thing for a while – and boys with straight pants were considered ‘square,’ and ‘ungroovy’ by the self-appointed ‘cool police’ denizens of the school – and then the girls went through a phase of mini-skirts (which sparked a whole new set of rules in my school [and alotta attentive boys]) – and of course – platform shoes for the ladies (and even some of the John Travolaesque boys) – which made some of them nearly unable to walk. Today – in the private school where I teach – it’s more subdued – but I know that a lot of girls (and some guys) really work hard to get their new wardrobes just right and in tune with everyone else (thus breaking the first Cool O’ Rule!) and leaving themselves well on the way to the dreaded average. Further, alotta kids in my school today are quite well off – so there are all sorts of attempts to get the ‘right’ designer clothes (and sneakers), and the ‘right’ new kinds of shirts and pants for the guys, and so on. Lookin’ slick and sharp and fashionable in the clothes department is a constant effort for many kids in the school where I teach today. And hey – some of the kids do look sorta slick and sharp (which is a return on investment, I guess, for their oodles of dollars spent). Noticeably also – many of them have sort of a clothes ‘identity,’ so that they would never be caught in clothes that might be considered subpar. Some of them check out each other’s shirts (and the little designer logos on the shirts), and some them check out each other’s shoes and ties and so on – as if those clothes somehow make the man – or the woman inside them. For all their continuous effort at lookin’ slick – are they cool? Hmmm….
Well, anyway, on that note – back in my day, I had a friend, Jimmy – and Jimmy’s dad was a janitor at the local elementary school. We were good friends (and still are!), and had grown up for some years together in our town (and been on many exciting adventures with our buddies).18 Jimmy’s family was warm and friendly, and well-knit and balanced – and I always enjoyed being around his folks.19 But – Jimmy’s dad didn’t earn a whole lot of money. Further, Jimmy had three brothers and sisters – so there was little spare change around in that household. Jimmy never had money for the fancy duds, and he couldn’t buy all new clothes most of the time – and a lot of his clothes were hand-me-downs from his older brother or procured from Salvation Army. That meant, of course, that they were typically worn and faded a bit and sort of old. (He was one of the few who really was happy to get a new shirt on Christmas!) When the bell-bottom craze hit, Jimmy had square straight pants. And he had old Keds sneakers, and so on. Now the cool thing (that’s right) about Jimmy was that he didn’t really care! I always noticed that about him (and respected him for it). He would tell me how lucky he was to have the wonderful family he did, and yeah – it’s true – his dad didn’t earn a whole lot – but he was grateful for the many (real and wonderful) blessings in his life. And he thought (as did I) that the silly clothes crazes that went on were sorta dumb. (I do remember one girl with really high platform shoes who wrenched her ankle in the hallway one day, and ended up on crutches.) So – anyway – Jimmy used to wear really comfortable clothes. – – A faded pair of jeans, a worn shirt, and well – that was it. He really stood out during the clothes fads of my high school years. Basic shoes, pants and a shirt – and actually – he always looked comfortable and in a way, smart. – – Other boys had plaid bellbottom jeans (hahaha!) and the girls (some of them) were trying to dress to look very sophisticated (or sometimes sexually provocative) as per the quickly changing fashions of the day – but Jimmy just held his own. Surprisingly to me (back in the day) – he became sorta cool for just not bothering at all with the clothes mania. He had his basic comfortable look, and everyone else was in contortions trying as hard as they could to look cool – but he was happy and comfortable. (And also – he actually had surprisingly more money saved up in his bank account, from working, than the vast majority of the other teens in the school). On top of it – Jimmy’s family would go on these very simple vacations to places like Niagara Falls or the Jersey shore, and his family would sometimes camp at campgrounds with tents to save money. But he would come back with tales of great adventures and exploits with his family (whereas others would end up in fancy hotels in faraway places [which are all sorta the same, in my experience] – but had few adventures to speak of). And he would dole out a small bit of his hard-earned dough to buy a souvenir patch at each place they visited – and then put a patch or two on his clothes – on the shoulders, or the back. After a while – he became even cooler! as everyone would check out his patches and ask about his adventures. He became cool! And actually, he became a LOT cooler than all the teens falling over themselves to be fashionable.
How did that happen? Well first – he dared to be different, as per the first Rule O’Cool. He became the comfortable-lookin’ guy, with the interesting patches. The others – all in a frenzy to have the same new fashion (and often bizarre) clothes – were the average ones! – – – But there’s more – now that we’re on to the 3rd Rule O’ Cool. Jimmy wasn’t trying to be cool. He just did what he liked, with what he had. What about the others? Well – they were trying very, very hard to be cool – but hey – it’s alotta work, right? You have to keep up on the latest fashions and trends. You have to move into them at just the right time, and get out of them fast when the fashion sun sets. You have to have a bunch of dough to spend. Bell bottoms are in today – but now jeans with rips and tears are in! Platform shoes are in today, but now skinny little sandals are in! Half a year went by – ya need a whole new wardrobe!!! – – – And really, when you think about it – isn’t it a little pathetic when someone goes through so much (in money, time, effort) to try to be cool – in such a superficial way? Is pathetic ever cool? The kids who spend so much time and effort on clothes are sorta (as the old expression truthfully states) “slaves to fashion.” Their lives are controlled by what someone on 7th Ave. is telling them is or is not acceptable to wear!21 If you step back – you see how really weak they are (unlike Jimmy) – so afraid to be caught in the wrong crest of the fashion tsunami. And moreover – isn’t that desire to try to be cool through clothes just telegraphing to the world that you don’t think you’re cool enough by yourself! – and that without the fancy duds – you aren’t really cool? Isn’t it telegraphing how boring you must be because you consider it necessary to dud yourself up to try to be cool? Hmmm….
I had, for many years, a pair of sneakers that I used for boating – and they became very worn – but extremely comfortable. I brought them in to the private school where I teach to play Ultimate Frisbee – because they fit like a glove to my (big) feet. One day, I was questioned by some seniors in the senior hallway. “Mr. Bitler, why do you have such old ratty sneakers?” “Can’t you afford anything that looks better?” – – So first – I explained – I have them because they are the most comfortable sneakers I own, and my feet feel a lot better when I wear them. (I know, I know – a sorta bizarre concept for modern teens…) Second – I don’t really care what you think about my sneakers, or whether you think I can afford new in–style ones or not! And hey – why are you so concerned about my sneakers anyway? But one guy in the hallway looked at them and said (and I kid you not): “Those are the coolest sneakers in the school.” Sadly, the bottom fell off of one of them last year during an intense Ultimate Frisbee match, and I had to purchase new air cushion multi-colored blazin’ running shoes from Korea – which makes it look (ouch!) like I’m tryin’ to be cool. But actually – I just bought the most comfortable pair. When they get old and ratty (and really comfortable), they might just happen to again become the coolest sneakers in the school.
Last on this (long) clothing topic – I used to be a ‘suit’ on 6th Ave. in New York City – and I had to dress up with a fancy shirt and tie and suit every day. Now – I just need to look decent as a teacher – and I wear comfortable clothes which will probably never be ‘in style.’ I really don’t care – and I’m at ease! What a great joy and pleasure to have a job where I don’t have to dress up every day! – – – And yes – I know – when you wear a fancy suit and go out to restaurants and stuff like that, people assume you’re someone important or ‘big.’ But the truth on that is – it’s even cooler when you happen to be someone ‘big’ – and no one even knows! (Smart [and cool]) movie stars will tell you this.) Bottom-line basic truth: If you’re relying on trying to be cool (as with your duds), you’re not really cool. And if you try too hard, you’ll oh-so-easily become pathetic.
Here’s yet one more example: Some girls on a bus with students from my school going into New York City got ahold of some portable speakers for their Ipod. So – they started playing some tunes on the bus. They were very, very excited to be playing their tunes for everyone to hear. The tunes were OK, but honestly, you could see that the other students were not all that impressed. The girls got a little flustered, because they had thought (you could see) that playin’ their tunes on the bus would make them cool. So – when everyone sorta ignored them, they turned up the volume so that their music was really loud! Well – the loud music that didn’t impress many to begin with became extremely wearisome, and the girls became even more upset that no one saw them as cool (they were actually becoming quite annoying). Finally – one of the guys on the bus asked for the speakers so that he could change the music. The girls refused! They had to hold onto the speakers so that they could keep trying to play their tunes loudly until everyone thought they were cool. By the end of the trip, everyone (including me) saw them as super lame… Zehr uncool. Why? Those girls were tryin’ waaaay too hard – and were not smart enough to realize that it doesn’t work that way.
Again, there are an almost infinite number of ways that folks try to be cool (especially teenagers!)?22 – – – And as I noted above, some of them try – by doin’ bad stuff (which doesn’t work, as per the second Rule O’ Cool), or by showing off possessions or money, or by sneering at others, and so on. But no matter how you slice it – it all comes down to something superficial other than just you that you are trying to use to convince others of your coolicity. That be uncool, ladies and gents! If you think back in your life, you’ll be sure to identify so, so, so many situations where someone trying to be cool ended up totally uncool. For instance, I remember: a teenage boy showing off his Corvette in front of our high school every day by revving the engine right after classes got out – until one day the driveshaft to the rear wheels snapped right there in front of school! I remember: a girl in high school who came to a party with an extreme amount of ‘sophisticated’ makeup (which honestly made her look like a particular type of woman, if you catch my drift), which then, unbeknownst to her, smeared across one part of her face and stayed that way for a good part of the evening (while everyone was laughing silently at her). I remember: a guy who wore an earring [tryin’ to be super cool] in his ear to a party in college – but got confused about which ear meant what (back in the day) – and unintentionally signaled to everyone that he was homosexual (seriously – and was later propositioned by a man to his shock.) And I remember: A buddy of mine drank a little too much (well, actually, a lot too much) at a poker game – and then challenged me to a fight (tryin’ to look cool in front of the guys) because I refused to show him my hand (after he had won the round). We stepped outside; I ducked the first punch, and he fell face first in the mud out behind the bar we were in. (We still laugh about it to this day.) I remember: I myself was challenged by a student to use ka-ra-te to bust off a piece of plywood from the windmill project we were working on. I know that plywood is extremely tough to break, since it’s glued grain-against-grain – but of course, I got stupid and wanted to show how cool I was to a student. I have a pretty strong karate chop, but the plywood just didn’t give way, and I scraped my whole arm and was bleeding everywhere. The next day – another student told me: “Mr. B. You were trying to be cool, weren’t you???” Yup – I foolishly forgot one of my own Rules O’ Cool and ended up lookin’ foolish. (And of course, I had to explain what happened to Mrs. B…) (Mrs. B.: “Are you serious?”) (Me: “Yes ma’am… That is what happened…”)
Personally – I have tons of tons of memories of folks trying to be cool in life – where things went awry, and they ended up looking pathetic and stupid. Many of them are quite humorous – though the third Rule O’Cool can involve serious things as well.
Here’s a real serious one – that affects many families. Many parents try to be ‘cool’ with their teenage kids – and try to be ‘friends’ with them, instead of being parents. Being parents means looking out for them, telling them the real truth of things, keeping them out of harm’s way23, and most importantly, daring to tell your kids NO when such is needed. That’s what real parental love is – always wanting and insisting on what is truly best for them (even when they ‘hate’ you and rebel, and get angry and throw temper tantrums and so on24). But parents trying to be cool often want to allow their kids to get into all sorts of things they shouldn’t, so as not to appear to the kids as ‘mean’ and ‘square’ and ‘stodgy’ and ‘unhip.’ I could tell you all sorts of stories about terrible things we’ve seen happen to kids (both when we were kids ourselves, and now as adults) – when parents stop being parents and try to be friends (some of which are quite frightening and tragic, actually). And – as a kicker – parents who try to be friends first – almost always end up losing the respect of their own and other kids – and are seen to be pathetic losers (just like with all the others who try to be cool). Whereas – parents who are parents first earn the respect of their kids (more later!) – and most often become good friends with them down the line.25
And hey – the same applies to teaching too! There is an old teaching bromide that says you should never let an honest friendship develop with a student.26 I personally disagree with that – but I do agree – that you always have to be the teacher first. That means: you tell the student the truth of things no matter what (“You obviously studied really poorly for that test…”), you tell the student ‘no’ when necessary and so on. Students will respect you more for being the teacher first – and often – you will develop good and honest friendships with them. The teacher who is trying hard to ‘be friends’ with students will often lose their respect. I myself had a student confront me with this: “Mr. B. – I thought we were friends… Doesn’t that mean that you’ll bump my grade?” As I explained to said student, neither a good teacher nor a real, true and honest good friend would do that.27 Said student was pretty mad (oh well…) – but now is coming around. We may yet end up as (real) friends. Cool.
So now – what about this book? Am I engaged in some sort of grand ‘coolicity hypocrisy?’ Because if you bought this book, that would mean you’re trying to be cool, right? – and then, as per Rule 3, you’re not. Well – that’s a good and logical argument. And – well – actually yes – if you bought this book simply to be cool, and you adopt the Rules O’ Cool just to be cool, you’ll miss the boat again. If, on the other hand, the book makes you honestly think about things in a new light – and you go out and follow some interest of yours and become different (in a good way) from others, then you have a chance of becoming cool – not because you’re trying – but because you’ve adopted a whole new mindset, and you’re knowledge has increased – and you’re not as scared to run to a different tune. Really – the book is meant to help you think about how cool folks get cool – and to free yourself up for some rich coolicity. But it’s not meant as a ‘formula’ to follow as you desperately try to be cool. It doesn’t work that way. You can only become cool by being cool naturally – and you can only be cool by changing something about yourself. If you’re just following rules to be cool, you’re just pretend cool, and this book can’t help you. And more deeply – more profoundly – take this book as an occasion to garner some wisdom. It’s meant to increase your understanding – to help you not shrink if someone laughs at you – to help you follow your own interests and the beat of your own drummer. In the end, you can only be cool by being authentically cool. Tougher than it seems, right? Actually, it’s far easier than most think. Just don’t try too hard!
Finally – I do have to be a bit careful myself in writing this book. I’m really doing it for fun – and to help kids and adults I know who are a bit cool-challenged. But – if I tip over into wanting to write it so that I’ll be considered ‘cool,’ then it won’t be. So – let’s just say this is me writing a fun book, and you’re happening to read it. – – – And – let’s just see if anything happens to happen at all!
Footnotes:
- Memorize this rule, if you hold onto any hope of ever becoming cool. (Oh, by the way, learning and memorizing important things you’ve studied is very, very cool… It means you have knowledge. Having knowledge is cool. Being ignorant is not.)
- For most people – to be good at something you have to be bad at it first.
- Not being afraid of what others think of you makes you different right there – and thus is potentially very cool. Such also brings a great freedom to life.
- Thinking through stuff and figuring out wisdom on your own is ultra, ultra cool.
- A great many in today’s world are deeply into sexual promiscuity of all sorts (both physically and mentally). A great many – especially men – are completely addicted to such. As said an amazing person (Peter – in the Book of 2 Peter in the Bible) many centuries ago: “A man is a slave to that which masters him.” Being addicted to anything is not cool. It destroys freedom –and can take away your health, your wealth, your family, your life, your soul – and of course – often destroys others’ lives as well.
- Our first son had to read “The Stranger,” by Camus, in French, over one summer. He was sorta despondent about it, and I told him that we’d read it together. The protagonist in the book is sort of a person who seems to have absolutely no standard of right and wrong to guide himself by. To my son’s credit, he picked that up in about the first three chapters of the book. My son had never been exposed to the idea of a completely amoral person before. At the end, my son said to me: “Dad, I would never want to be like that guy.” I said: “Why?” He said: “Because I want my life to be about the good.” I said: “Excellent, son, excellent.”
- So I had this conversation with a student once: Student to me: “I don’t believe there is such a thing as intrinsic right or wrong. Anything goes morally and anything should go for any reason.” I to student: “I DO believe there is such a thing as intrinsic right and wrong.” Student: “Your belief offends me. That’s wrong.”
- And then there are some who are just infected with deep evil… That is another topic…
- Just speaking personally – I try to live my life in a good and noble way (not that I always succeed). I like to be liked, but I really don’t get that bothered if I’m not. Not needing to be liked is one of the most liberating attitudes you can have in life. I don’t feel that deep need to ‘fit in.’ But yet amazingly, trying to live life in the best and most noble way you know how will always lead to being liked by a great many. Goodness begets true friendship; badness destroys it.
- Huge numbers of kids grow up today in America without fathers present (just check out the stats – seriously – check them out – you might be surprised) – and those kids are statistically far more likely to suffer psychological damage, end up in jail, join gangs, live a life in poverty, get into trouble of all sorts, impregnate females and abandon female and child (if male) – or get pregnant (if female) by a male who has made no actual real commitment to woman or child – thus continuing the fatherless cycle. Check out the stats for what percentage of males in jail grew up without a father present. You might be surprised.
- Our two sons are Eagle Scouts. In the scouts they learned grit, many fantastic outdoor and survival skills that you would never learn in school, as well as a code of conduct. We’re very proud of them for that.
- My high school was a lot rougher and dicier than the very nice private school I teach in today. – – As a result – I’m going to get into some tough and more grown-up situations. I hope you don’t mind.
- Cocaine is one of the most addictive drugs known to mankind – and one try – will leave many people desiring it again for the rest of their lives. They will never be free of that intense ‘draw.’
- In our school, the football team got the best of everything – inc. their own section of the locker room, bigger and better lockers – and carpeting for their section of the locker room!
- Many boys lie outright to girls about how they ‘feel’ about those girls in order to get sex. All such is completely consensual, but where I come from, deeply immoral. Many girls come to discover that they have been used by such boys, over and over and over again – and suffer psychologically (and sometimes bodily) from what has happened.
- I used to call him a ‘predatory bastard.’
- I’m not pushing anyone to be Christian. I’m just explaining and sharing a piece of me with you.
- Back in the era I grew up in – boys were generally allowed to go anywhere in town on their own, as long as they got back by dinnertime…
- What I call ‘salt-of-the-earth’ people…
- I believe in livin’ ones life free. I don’t need or want someone on 7th Ave. telling me what to wear.
- I believe in livin’ ones life free. I don’t need or want someone on 7th Ave. telling me what to wear.
- Here’s one: When I was a teacher for a few months in the Peace Corps in Togo, West Africa (before moving on to other duties), a student came in with glasses one day. I felt bad for the student – because first – glasses are very, very expensive for the average not-so-well-off Togolese – and also – because I’ve got really bad eyesight, and I would never wish that on anyone. But – as it turned out – the student spent a bunch of dough (which his father would have been really mad about, had he found out) on glasses frames – down in the capital (Lome) – so that he could look ‘western’ and ‘American’ and cool! The frames were empty. It was quite bizarre, IMHO. So – alotta the other kids started making fun of him for wearing empty glasses, and the girls thought it lame and pathetic and stupid. Sadly, Koffi (his name), didn’t know the third Rule O’ Cool, and was tryin’ waaay too hard.
- And in our household, that means physical, emotional, psychological and/or spiritual harm.
- Our three kids learned a looooong time ago that speaking disrespectfully to me or to their mom, or throwing temper tantrums and such when things don’t go there way – is very, very unproductive. Neither Mrs. B. nor I will tolerate that kind of behavior, and we will immediately stop listening to said upset kid. (One of my favorite lines is: “When you can speak as a civilized being at some point in the future, come back. Until then, see ya…”) As a result, our kids are polite and thoughtful when talking with us, and have to honestly convince us of what is so important to them at the moment. They know that can get a ‘no,’ but they also know that we will honestly and carefully listen to what they are saying.
- Mark Twain once said about his own father: “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
- Because otherwise, the student will feel ‘hurt’ when you crack down on him/her for some reason. In my book, feelings which get hurt from the truth are a valuable part of the learning experience.
- Why? Because such would not actually help that student become a better student and learner over time.
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A Book Review of “Rules ‘o Cool”
Robert Bitler’s “Rules ‘o Cool” fails its readers from the outset. Posing itself as a solution to those who “feel so very uncool,” the book never gives a concrete or coherent definition of this elusive coolness (or “coolicity,” as it is sometimes called). The most discernible thesis indicates that coolness is not always what we expect it to be. However, in most of the anecdotes, the characters’ journeys to coolness rest on assumptions about what is cool. For example, in Amy’s story, her knitting only becomes cool when the captain of the football team appreciates it. Although this vignette intends to convey that being different is a key factor in coolness, Amy’s coolness can only be realized when the football captain – the quintessential stereotype of coolness – validates it.
“Rules ‘o Cool” has an off-putting focus on physical characteristics. Amy is referred to as “sort of a plain-looking girl […] attractive, but not a super stunner in the opinion of most of the boys.” For a work that advocates “being different” and “being kind” as two of its central tenets, the constant judgment according to traditional beauty norms seems hypocritical. The commentaries on physical beauty are primarily directed towards females. Compounded by remarks like one that refers to a girl’s “‘sophisticated’ makeup (which honestly made her look like a particular type of woman, if you catch my drift),” sexist undertones ring throughout the book.
Of course, “Rules ‘o Cool” is not without its merits. The section that emphasizes the importance of goodness over coolness contains the most valuable message of the book, although it leaves the reader wondering why Bitler would write a treatise on “cool” if other qualities supersede its significance. Other positive messages and valuable insights on individuality are strewn throughout the text, but are often difficult to salvage from muddled layers of parentheses, brackets, run-ons, and informal asides. Overall, the instructive purpose of “Rules ‘o Cool” is impossible to reconcile with one of its key messages: trying to be cool makes people uncool. Never giving a definition of its focal point, rife with contradictions, and often degrading to the subjects of its anecdotes, “Rules ‘o Cool” will not revolutionize its readers’ worldviews in any valuable way.