The following play by Betsy Zaubler won the 32nd annual NJ Playwrights Theatre Contest and will be performed by professional actors at the NJ Playwrights Festival on June 2, 2015 at 7pm. Betsy will work closely with the actors and director in staging the play. Tickets are free but limited. To reserve, email: njypf@ptnj.org or call: 973-514-1787 ext. 21.
THANKSGIVING SURPRISE
CHARACTERS
DAVID, 17, kind, slightly awkward, clever, anxious
JANINE, 45, DAVID’S mother, loving, sweet, terrible cook, forgetful
EMILY, 43, DAVID’S Aunt and JANINE’S sister, witty, thoughtful, caring
JOE, 43, DAVID’S Uncle and EMILY’S husband, funny, sarcastic, loving, kid at heart
GRAMS, 74, DAVID’S grandma, JANINE and EMILY’S mother, extremely slow, alert
GRAMPS, 75, DAVID’S grandpa, JANINE and EMILY’S father, pot-belly, loud, thinks he’syounger than he really is
MICHAEL, 48, DAVID’S dad, JANINE’S husband, kind, helps keep JANINE in check
TIME: Thanksgiving, 2014
PLACE: Suburbs of Boston
(As the lights come up, JANINE is in the kitchen, preparing food for Thanksgiving. DAVID sits at the kitchen table).
DAVID
Do you need any help?
JANINE
No David, I’m fine.
DAVID
Okay, just don’t burn the turkey like last year.
JANINE
(Jokingly)
David, your lack of faith in my cooking is upsetting.
DAVID
It’s not just me Mom, even Aunt Emily told you to wait for her before you put the turkey in.
JANINE
(Jokingly)
Oh Em’s just jealous because I’m the better cook.
DAVID
(Laughingly)
Well she wasn’t the one who burnt the turkey.
(Beat)
Where is everyone anyway?
JANINE
Uncle Joe and Aunt Emily are stuck in traffic, Dad is at the bakery getting the pumpkin pie, and who knows where your Grams and Gramps are? They are slugs, my god, I don’t know how they function just the two of them.
DAVID
Can Grams even walk up the stairs? She’s so slow it completely throws off her balance.
JANINE
Oh well, Gramps tried to install one of those chairs that gives you a lift up the stairs, but I guess he didn’t do a good job, and when Grams was sitting in it for the first time it broke. And she was screaming –
DAVID
(Imitating Grams)
Damn it Mason! I should have married the boy from the medical school!
JANINE
(Chuckles)
You’ve gotten so good at that impression.
DAVID
Thanks, I know.
(Beat)
JANINE
Are you sure you want to tell them?
DAVID
Yeah.
JANINE
You don’t need to do it all at once.
DAVID
I know, I just want to get it over with.
JANINE
Okay. You know Dad and I support you.
(Beat, Jokingly)
You still have time to do your makeup if you want.
DAVID
(Rolls his eyes)
Very funny, Mom.
JANINE
(Loving/motherly)
Oh don’t pretend you don’t remember! When you were little you loved to watch me do my makeup. You always begged to try on my blush and nail polish.
DAVID
(Embarrassed)
Yeah, I know.
JANINE
You absolutely loved the sparkly gold polish. You even cried once when I painted my nails red.
DAVID
The red was ugly!
JANINE
You’re right. You always had great taste. Still do.
DAVID
No, Mom, you just have bad taste.
JANINE
(Jokingly)
Now don’t be rude.
DAVID
(Sees two cars pull up in driveway)
Oh good, everyone but Dad’s here.
(Looks at watch, impressed)
Grams and Gramps are only 20 minutes late. That must be a record.
JANINE
Are you ready?
DAVID
I guess.
(JOE, EMILY, GRAMS, and GRAMPS enter, loudly. Hugs and kisses are exchanged)
JOE
David, how are you? What’s that smell? Janine, I think the turkey’s burning.
JANINE
(Sassy)
Oh shut up.
(JOE chuckles and hugs JANINE)
EMILY
(Jokingly)
Now Janine, we don’t want another burnt turkey!
GRAMS
Where’s Michael?
GRAMPS
Janine, did you forget to pick up the pumpkin pie again this year?
JANINE
(Frustrated)
Yes.
(Beat, gestures to table)
Go sit. I made some gourmet butternut squash puffs.
DAVID
Yeah, gourmet, straight from Costco.
(JOE, EMILY, GRAMS, GRAMPS sit at the table as JANINE takes butternut squash puffs out of the oven. DAVID walks around the kitchen, starring out the window, very antsy).
GRAMPS
David, are you all right?
GRAMS
Why are you so antsy?
EMILY
David, come sit.
JOE
I wanna hear all about soccer season.
DAVID
Oh yeah soccer season was great.
(Sarcastically)
The bench and I became real close.
JOE
Ah, David it’s all right. Why’d you even wanna play in the first place?
DAVID
(Uncomfortable)
I well, um—
JANINE
(Brings over tray of butternut squash puffs)
Don’t these look delicious?
(GRAMS takes a bite of a butternut squash puff, and has a disgusted look on her face)
GRAMS
Janine! These are freezing. All you had to do was put them in the oven, how did you manage to mess that up?
GRAMPS
Janine, what happened to you? Your mother and Em are both great cooks.
EMILY
(To JANINE, jokingly)
It’s a good thing you’re pretty.
JANINE
(Sarcastically, but laughing)
Now there’s no need to be rude. We’ll just do Thanksgiving at your and Joe’s place next year.
JOE
Oh no, that’s all right. You’re turkey isn’t that bad.
(JANINE smirks as if to say “told you so”)
(MICHAEL enters, with the pumpkin pie)
DAVID
Oh good. Dad’s home.
JOE
(Does a drum roll on the table)
Now Thanksgiving can really begin.
MICHAEL
(Gives Janine a kiss when he enters. Places pie on table. Speaking to JANINE)
Honey, get me the knife. David, why don’t you cut the pie this year?
DAVID
All right.
(DAVID cuts 7 slices of the pie. Everyone takes one slice, and holds it in their hands)
Gramps, you start.
GRAMPS
Sure. We’ll let’s see. I have lots to be thankful for, but since I’m 75 and I’ve exhausted all the clichés, I guess I’m thankful that Grams didn’t kill me when that chair lift broke.
(Everyone laughs, and takes a bite of the pie)
GRAMS
Well I’m certainly thankful the boy from medical school never got married. I still have a chance!
(Everyone laughs, and takes a bite of the pie)
EMILY
Okay, okay my turn.
(Beat)
I’m thankful that Janine hasn’t burnt the turkey yet.
(Everyone takes a bite of the pie)
JANINE
(Snidely)
Well I’m thankful that Em and Joe will host Thanksgiving next year.
(Everyone takes a bite of the pie)
JOE
Come on ladies. Play nice.
(Beat)
Okay, um, I’m thankful Em is a better cook than Janine
(Everyone laughs, and takes a bite of pie)
MICHAEL
Okay, my turn. I’m thankful that the bakery called to remind us to pick up the pie. Thanksgiving wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t eat the pie first!
(Everyone takes bite of Pie)
GRAMS
Oh you’re right Michael. You were always so thoughtful—
GRAMPS
(Jokingly)
At least Janine picked the right husband. May be the only smart thing she’s ever done, but at least she made one good decision.
MICHAEL
(To JANINE, laughing)
I’m definitely the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
EMILY
(Sassily, but still joking)
Guess poor husband choices run in the family. Mom still wishes she married the boy from med school.
GRAMPS
Fair enough.
(Beat, DAVID is completely zoned out, staring into space)
David, you didn’t go yet.
(JANINE looks soothingly at DAVID)
DAVID
Oh yeah, right. Um…
(Long pause)
I’m thankful to have such an accepting family.
GRAMPS
(Confused)
What do you mean?
DAVID
Well, you guys will always support me no matter what.
(Beat)
Right?
GRAMS
Of course David, what’s this about?
GRAMPS
Are you trying to tell us you got another D on your math test?
JOE
Do you wanna join the cheer squad so you can still go to soccer games? I’d totally support that!
(Everyone laughs except for DAVID, who looks very uncomfortable)
MICHAEL
Come on guys.
(To DAVID, encouraging)
Keep going!
DAVID
Well there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you guys, and I’m not sure how you’ll feel about it.
(Beat)
There was a reason I joined the soccer team, and it wasn’t to play bench.
JOE
Of course not! Only an idiot would want to play bench.
GRAMPS
Joe, let the boy speak!
DAVID
Okay well, um, I mean I can wait to tell you guys. It’s really not that important.
(JANINE and MICHAEL both give DAVID a nod of encouragement)
EMILY
Come on David. You can’t leave us hanging like that.
DAVID
All right, well, so…
(Beat)
I joined the team because, well, there was a guy on the team I liked.
(Long pause)
I think I’m gay.
(Long pause, JANINE and MICHAEL look proudly at DAVID)
JOE
(Probing)
You think or you know?
DAVID
I know.
(Long pause, uncomfortable silence)
GRAMPS
(Frustrated, slaps the table)
Damn it David.
JOE
(Hugs DAVID, and lifts him into the air)
Yes! Good boy!
GRAMPS
Why, David, why? Couldn’t you have waited until I died to come out?
DAVID
(More to himself than to anyone else)
This was a mistake.
GRAMS
(Angrily)
Mason! I told you not to bet so much money!
(DAVID is very confused)
GRAMPS
You were the one who said I’d die before he’d come out.
GRAMS
Well why’d you have to listen to me this time?
JOE
Hand it over old man! 100 bucks.
GRAMPS
Emily, you shouldn’t have married him.
(Slowly takes out wallet, and starts handing cash to JOE)
This hurts, Joe, it really does.
(JOE dances around the kitchen, saying, “I told you so,” throwing around the $100, so it looks like the money is raining on him. DAVID sits awkwardly playing with his fingers at the table)
JOE
(Waving $100 in GRAMPS face)
Sucks to lose, doesn’t it?
EMILY
Are you guys forgetting that I was a part of this bet too?
JOE
No, but I won.
EMILY
No you didn’t. I said he’d come out before Christmas. You said he’d come out within the next year. So I win!
GRAMPS
Oh good. I’ll take my 100 back, Joe.
(GRAMPS snatches the $100 out of JOE’S hands)
EMILY
And I’ll take $100 from each of you.
(GRAMPS and JOE angrily give EMILY $100).
DAVID
(Angrily)
Did you guys seriously bet on when I would come out?
(Beat)
GRAMPS
(Shamelessly)
Yes.
JANINE
(Laughing)
You’re all so insensitive.
JOE
It’s okay, David doesn’t mind.
MICHAEL
You don’t know how David feels. This was really hard for him to do.
JANINE
You can’t just bet money on things like this.
GRAMPS
(To JANINE and MICHAEL)
Did he tell you two he was gay first?
JANINE
Of course, we’re his parents.
JOE
David, how could you tell your parents first? What about me? We’re soccer bros.
EMILY
You’ve never even played soccer with him.
JOE
Yes I have.
GRAMS
When?
JOE
When he was seven.
GRAMPS
That doesn’t count.
(Everyone starts speaking over each other. DAVID tries to pipe into the conversation but is not given an opportunity to speak)
JANINE
Well, David, I’m proud of you.
GRAMPS
We’re all proud of you, but you’re timing just wasn’t great.
DAVID
(Sarcastically)
Oh you’re right. Next time I have something important to tell you guys, I’ll make sure it’s an appropriate time, just for you Gramps.
JOE
(Defensively)
What about me?
EMILY
(To JOE)
You’re such an idiot sometimes.
DAVID
How long have guys even known?
JOE
Forever.
DAVID
How?
EMILY
Well in middle school you absolutely loved James Franco. We always saw you looking at pictures of his abs on your computer. Plus, we just sort of had a feeling, you know?
DAVID
Oh.
(Beat)
So you aren’t mad?
MICHAEL
Of course not.
GRAMS
How could we be mad at you?
DAVID
(Hesitantly)
I don’t know.
(Beat)
It’s sort of weird.
EMILY
What’s weird?
DAVID
(Nervously)
Being gay.
MICHAEL
Who told you being gay is weird?
DAVID
Nobody. It’s just, I always thought guys were supposed to like girls and girls were supposed to like guys.
EMILY
Well some guys are supposed to like guys, and some girls are supposed to like girls.
JANINE
David, being gay is not weird. Your sexuality doesn’t define who you are.
MICHAEL
It’s just a part of your identity.
DAVID
But everyone’s just gonna think of me as that gay boy now.
GRAMS
Then that’s their problem. You are never just a gay boy.
EMILY
You like guys. So what?
DAVID
But what about prom or homecoming? I don’t think two guys have ever gone together.
EMILY
So you’ll go with a guy and maybe you can change things for the next boy.
MICHAEL
(Jokingly, but sincere)
Plus, who says you need a date to the prom or homecoming?
DAVID
(Sarcastically)
Says the guy who never had one.
(Everyone but MICHAEL laughs)
GRAMS
(Laughingly, but sincere)
Oh good, he’s just as sarcastic as ever. Clearly coming out didn’t change you at all.
EMILY
(Jokingly)
What a relief!
DAVID
(Questioningly, but still affirmative)
So you guys really aren’t mad.
GRAMPS
Well I’m mad; I just lost 100 bucks cause of you.
JOE
Me too!
GRAMPS
But if I’m gonna lose $100, I’m glad I lost it on you.
JOE
(Jokingly)
I’m not. Guess your Christmas present is gonna be $100 cheaper than you were expecting.
DAVID
(Sarcastically)
Thanks, Joe. I’m So lucky to have such a great uncle.
JOE
I’m just messing with you. I really am proud of you, David.
MICHAEL
We all are.
EMILY
You truly are a great kid.
(Beat)
If I were a boy, I’d definitely date you.
DAVID
(Awkwardly)
Okay…
(Beat)
Can we eat already? I’m starving.
(Everyone excitedly sits at the table as JANINE brings over the food. MICHAEL fills everyone’s glasses with wine, except for DAVID, who gets sparkling cider)
JANINE
Look how delicious this non-burnt turkey looks.
EMILY
(Sarcastically)
I’m really proud of you, Janine, really proud.
GRAMS
(Sincerely)
This turkey looks delightful, Janine!
(Everyone is about to dig in)
GRAMPS
Wait, before we dig in, I’d like to make a toast.
(Lifting up his glass)
To David.
(Everyone clinks glasses, as lights fade to black).