No one knew I was gone. They assumed I was late. When I didn’t text back, they assumed I was busy or overreacting over what had happened the following day. But I wasn’t. I was there, walking among them. Not particularly caring about the excessive teasing or ignoring of my peers from yesterday. My phone buzzed in my bag hundreds of times, but no one seemed to hear. By the second period, everyone assumed I skipped school.
“But there aren’t any projects due today,” someone jested, and a few laughed. But not a soul was worried. Other than Corrina, of course, but that was expected. I followed my schedule and made it to the third period. Chorus was annoying. Pushing my way through people to get to my spot. No one noticed. Not when I sang my parts, not when I spoke my lines. No one noticed. But it was expected. I made it to lunch, but I wasn’t very hungry. By now, everyone had forgotten my absence and moved on. No one was concerned anymore. But that was expected. I roamed the halls instead of eating, the school deathly silent. I sat outside, the cold air brushing against my cold skin, nearly tugging me away, and yet, the grass and trees and balls seemed not as affected.
I sat still on the brown picnic table near the basketball courts in silence. Slowly, students began to fill the courts as crows and ravens would fill the night sky, making a sea of colors contrasting with the darkness that surrounded me. They threw themselves around, nearly suicidal, not caring for the pain they caused themselves as long they and others were happy. I got up slowly and nearly glided inside, my feet too heavy to move. I swiftly made my way to Ms. Hann’s office and stopped in my tracks when I saw Corrina crying as if a weeping widow. I rushed over to embrace her, though she shivered at my cold body. She continued to cry. I lifted her head up and for a moment she looked at me with wide eyes. I smiled slightly at her and wiped the tears from her cheek.
“When did you get here?”
“I was here all along. But, I must go now. I’ll see you later.” She reached out to grab me but I was already in the doorway. I smiled once more and walked away. Lunch was over, and so quickly too. It was as if my sense of time was gone. I had almost no need for it. I walked to my next class and sat down. I nearly got sat on, but someone called them away. I sat silently and raised my hand to answer questions. I never got called on. But it was expected. I sighed and opted to stop answering questions. I continued with classes. I looked over at the clock. The minute hand was moving as fast as the second hand once did, I sighed as I waited for this class to be done. As soon as it was, I smiled happily.
I made my way onto the bus and sat down. The bus ride was long and silent. The only thing out of the ordinary was their odd looks over at my seat. I rolled my eyes and leaned my head weightlessly against the window. I never reached my house, I had to get off on the same stop as Lea and walk down the block to my house. The bus driver didn’t see me get on. But it was expected. I made my way through the front door and comforted my crying mother. I knew very well why, but, I just couldn’t help her. Even if I tried to, I couldn’t. I just kissed her forehead and made my way to my room. I decided to take a shower after she fell asleep as to not bother her and let her slaughter the pain little by little. After my shower, I get dressed and curl up in my bed. My cat jumps up next to me and purrs, rubbing his head against my hand. I kiss his forehead and pet him before drifting off to sleep once more.
I woke up the next morning at 5:55 and got dressed. It’s Friday. I wore jeans and an all-black sweatshirt. Not that it mattered. No one would see. So I changed into my black and white tube top, black flowing shirt, and black dress pants with black slides. At 6:45, I slipped onto the bus without anyone noticing. The bus driver didn’t acknowledge me and neither did anyone else. But it was expected. I sat patiently for a little before the bus finally started up again. The 7th grader pulled her jacket a little tighter as a cold breeze filled the bus, mourning the warmth of the summer sun. Everyone looked towards the windows. They were closed. And the air was off. I knew all too well none of those were factors. After an hour, we reached the school. I got off and drifted through the halls. I reached the common room just in time for Morning Meeting. All the teachers looked grim. But it was expected. The kids didn’t notice and my classmates made jokes again.
“Oh come on. Another day off? What project is even coming up?” A few chuckles.
“Maybe she finally changed schools. I’m not complaining.” Some sounds of agreement.
“Maybe she got depressed enough and—” They made a hanging motion and a few of them laughed. My eyes rolled but I let my gaze drift over to Corrina, Jasmine, Sam, Morgan, Jade, and Amelia sitting together on the floor despite the rules of advisor groups. They were all huddled up.
“Is she okay?” one of them said in a hushed voice. It was hard to tell who. Everything was pretty echo-y. I looked at the time again and it was passing quite quickly. The students got up to make sports and club announcements. The teachers stayed silent. Ms. Hann was on the steps, tears in her eyes before she noticed everyone was done with announcements. I felt bad and glided down the stairs, passing through everyone. I made my way to her side and hugged her waist. She looked down as if feeling the pressure but looked up again. I sighed and sat back in my seat. She didn’t see me. But it was expected. Finally, as she opened her mouth, time slowed down a little bit.
“Everyone, please listen to me.” Her voice cracked painfully and everyone quickly quieted down. “How many people here are friends of Evie?” Hands raised from multiple places as murmurs covered the room like a layer of dirt covers a grave. I heard a sob from next to me. It was one of my friends. I did not know who. They were fading from my memory little by little. When I return, it’ll all come back though. My other friends patted her back and said things like ‘we don’t know that yet’ while all looking towards the lady in the front. A picture of me appeared on the projector, one of me with some people. Smiling. I smiled at the faint memory. Another picture came up and the adults in the front shook their heads in sorrow as they refused to make eye contact with the kids around me. “And how many know her?” The lady choked on the word ‘know’. But it was expected. I sat back and pulled at my choker tediously. It felt a bit tight as she opened her mouth again.
“She— she was found dead in her house yesterday afternoon. She’s gone. And I thought I finally helped her out of that place.” Her voice cracked again before she broke down in sobs and was helped out of the middle of the room. But that was expected. Another sob was heard from behind me. Actually, there were multiple from the circle of girls behind me. I knew them. I did. I just couldn’t remember.
“N-no, b-but I saw her! I saw her y-yesterday, I swear,” I heard one cry out. I felt bad. But I couldn’t go back. Even if I wanted to. I sighed as I looked over the field of people around me. Looking for one happy face. One face that looked pleased. It was expected. I couldn’t find one. In a panic, I got up and rushed around. I looked in the face of all the kids around me. No smile. No sparkles of joy in their eyes. The only things that filled their eyes were tears and looks of sorrow, even from people I thought hated me. I let out an unearthly scream and fell to my knees. This was not supposed to happen. The lights dimmed for a second as I wept. This was supposed to better people’s lives. Not do this. This isn’t why I did this. This is not what I wanted. This, this was not expected. At all.