In the comment section below, please offer your helpful, positive feedback.
Miracles
Chapter One – Illumined
He was only in his fifties, but he was feeling old. His joints hurt – no doubt from the heady pickup football game he’d played with his boisterous and hard-hitting nephews earlier in the day; his tightened and unstretched muscles caused him to walk with a slight limp. He knew he was already in the second half of the grand play of life, and he wondered if he would accomplish even a quarter of the things he had set out to do as a young man. He thought of the quantum illuminator inside, and smiled: But still – maybe – the Nobel Prize I always dreamed of! He laughed at his own hubris, and grinned broadly – thinking about how a Nobel – if won – might play out with all his friends and associates from over the years. Some would be desperately envious (and he pitied those), but his true friends, of which he had a great many, would be truly happy for him. And if it happened, they would all laugh and party and dance until the wee hours in the back streets of Oslo and get drunk – happy drunk – and his wife would smile and laugh and tell her father that she had chosen well after all. But still he knew, deep down in his bones, that there were things far more important and far more real than some prize and the concomitant adulation of the world. He had already lived several lifetimes – and done many, many things; there was not much that could excite him – either about humanity or about the world – or so he thought…
The university parking lot was deserted, and there was no sign of security. He crossed it , and looked up to see the powerful outline of the Rocky Mountains in the distance; it felt good to breathe the cooler evening air. He fumbled with his keys, and opened up the door to the physics building. Once inside, he turned on the stairway lights, and headed downward to his lab, a full three stories below ground level. He opened the door to the sub-sub-sub basement with another key, and flicked on the lights. But nothing happened. They did not work. He looked around behind him, and saw that the stairway lights were now off as well. He swore, and fumbled around in the darkness, trying to locate the main lab counter which he knew stretched out to the left in front of him. He touched it, and used the edge of the counter to guide him toward the far side of the lab, where the illuminator apparatus lay. He had forgotten his notepad, with its never-ending list of all the things he was supposed to be working on – and had come to retrieve it. He reached the end of the counter, and came to the open space in front of the illuminator table – which itself stretched across the back of the lab. He was making his way along that second table, when he heard it, a slight hum from the illuminator. Startled, he jumped, and took in a sharp breath. His pulse quickened. It’s not supposed to be hooked up to the grid yet; we had an agreement… Still, none of the running lights or instruments were lit. Maybe it’s connected but not turned on. Whyever would they do that? We had an agreement! At the end of the table he found and grabbed his notepad, and then began to make his way back. The slight hum of the illuminator disturbed him. His right hand caressed the sleek metallic side of the illuminator’s containment unit, and as his eyes had adjusted more to the dark, he thought he could just make out the outline of the giant iridescent blue cube which they’d affixed to the top of the machine. When they finally turned on the machine, that light would give them their first inkling of whether or not they had made a fundamental breakthrough in the understanding of the universe. The caress of his hand was rising toward the cube on top when the hum suddenly increased in pitch and volume, and then, the cube lit up with such a blaze of deep iridescent blue light that for a moment, he could see everything in the lab. He fell backward onto the floor, and heard himself yell out, and then, just as suddenly, all was dark…
He opened his eyes to see a flashlight shining into his eyes. Behind the light, he could just make out the profile of Jimmy Sage, physics building security guard.
“You took a mean one, Pete… That bump on your head’s gonna need an whole icebox full of ice…”
Peter Schönbaum tried to lift his head, but as he did, a wave a nausea rippled across him.
Jimmy laughed. “Here, Sir, let me help you up. Try not to move your head around too much.”
Peter’s head throbbed, where he had apparently hit it, hard. He tried not to puke. “The light,” Jimmy, “was the light on when you came in!?”
“There’s no light in here, Mr. Schönbaum . The whole university’s gone down. No electricity anywhere – all the way to Cheyenne, they’re sayin’…”
Pete put his arm around Jimmy’s shoulders and started to limp out of the lab… “But that’s impossible, Jimmy, that’s impossible.”
Jimmy laughed again. “Well – nuthin’ in this world is truly impossible, Mr. Schönbaum , now is it…”
Chapter Two – Sweet, Sweet Love
The two of them ran up over the crest of a small forested hillock, sweating, and both seriously out-of-breath, as they had raced at top speed from the car down at the beginning of the trail, over a mile back. They stopped and took long hard breaths. Jason was bent over with his hands on his hurting sides – but still had his eyes on the incredible view. For before them stretched a vista that had captivated both Native and newcomer Americans alike throughout all of American history. In the distance, the Grand Tetons rose up ahead of them, like towering behemoths gathering their strength for a fight, and just in front of them, down the other side of the hillock, a vigorous steel blue river washed down from the hills to their right into a thin but sparkling lake, spreading toward the horizon on the left. Ahead lay a wooden bridge. They smiled and laughed, and then raced down the other side of the hillock and over the bridge, as they prepared to tackle the newly steep trail. Once across the bridge, they turned and looked back at the river and the huge amounts of glistening cold water pouring along it. Jason put his hands around his girlfriend’s waist, and kissed her on the nape of her perspiring neck. Jenny did not move, but smiled and enjoyed her boyfriend’s attentions. She turned and kissed him, passionately, and for a moment, it was unclear whether they would even continue onward along the trail. But she broke away, laughing, and he ran after her, and together they started the climb up toward the meadows along the sides of the foothills of Grand Teton itself, the tallest of all the Tetons. They climbed steadily during the day, stopping only to have lunch along another mountain stream. They drank copiously from the brook, unworried, in their youthful and easy infallibility. In the afternoon, they slowed down a bit, until late in the day, when tired, they came to their intended destination – a small shelter built along the slope, in a meadow above an aqua blue glacial lake. But to their disappointment, a man was camping there with his two sons. – He waved, and they waved back. He offered them dinner, but they politely declined. And so they hiked sideways along the slope of the lake, off the trail, and came to a flatter area along the slope, around the bend, and with a stunning view of the lake and of the forests of Wyoming, stretching out to the horizon. Lights in towns had just started coming on, and the moon was already low in the sky. A lone star, which they knew to be Venus, had befriended the moon, and hovered there close. They spread out their blankets, one to lie on and one to cover them with. But it was still hot, and a delicious cool zephyr had just come up from around the bend of the mountain – so they threw off the top blanket. And there, nature took its way, and they laughed and kissed, and cast off their clothes, and made wild, carefree love in the midst of the evening meadow. Once sated, they held each other tightly into the nightfall. They stargazed for a while, and eventually pulled the second blanket over them, and then fell contentedly asleep as they whispered of their dreams and aspirations. And for both of them, in that magnificent moment in a magnificent summer, all in the world seemed impossibly good and right…
Well, that was interesting. Very nice, Das Bitler!
I’m here to critique, though, not compliment. So:
– “…or so he thought.” at the end of the first paragraph seems like a change from 3rd person protagonist pov to 3rd person omniscient. If not, please clarify.
– Stop– using– so– many– hyphens. I love them too, and I also use them too much, but variety is the spice of life and whatnot. Save them for when they’ll be maximally effective.
-Change the love scene a bit. I don’t want to say it’s cliched, but… it’s cliched.
Thanks Coyote! for the comments. I may take you up on changing that scene (but not that much). So – the novel’s gonna be a thriller – (hyphen!) and so, I’m setting stuff up for what’s gonna happen down the line (quite a bit, as you’ll see)… And – that’s what happened! I really appreciate your reading the first two chapters and commenting.
I enjoyed this story. I think that the descriptions that you use make the scene very clear to the reader. However, I also think that you should use a different style of writting to get your message across, for example Dialogue. There are some parts of the story that I feel your telling the reader too much information, instead of showing emotions through the actions of the main character.
Side-note: I think the the “Illuninator” should be capitalized.
Hi Jordan – Thanks so much for commenting! – – I agree – the story will need to have a lot of dialogue – so that’s coming up. (I promise!) Hmmm… I may indeed capitalize Illuminator. Thanks for the Illumination! RWB
As a reader who knows very little about the world of sciences, I could have used a little background on what the illuminator apparatus was, and why it wasn’t supposed to be hooked up to the grid. But maybe you’ll explain that later on in the novel, and I’m not supposed to know… I like what I’ve read so far though. The characterization is strong right from the first paragraph–you show that Pete may be a serious scientist, but he still enjoys playing football and drinking. The place you could use the most work on is transitions. The first paragraph to the second paragraph feels disconnected, mainly because the first paragraph doesn’t take place anywhere particular, he’s feeling old, but then all of a sudden he’s walking to his lab. Same thing from chapter 1 to 2. I thought that jimmy and peter were running on the mountains together until they kissed. Start that paragraph with “jason and jenny” instead of “the two of them.” That way, the whole thing will flow together just like your sentences do. Otherwise, good stuff. The first paragraph was intense!
Thanks so much for the comments, Charlie man… Yeah – everything will be much clearer as the novel progresses (illumination to come…!) Jason and Jenny – yeah – makes sense. First part of novel will be introducing characters – slowly – but also, will start ripping into some good action. Stay tuned! RWB
I think this is a great start to a novel and has a lot of potential to unfold nicely. I think the descriptions are well phrased. However, they can become a little cliche at some parts. I also love how you start off with a great background to your character and I felt the change between the characters was little abrupt and caught me a little off guard. The inclusion of more details will cement the beginning of this story well.
Hi Stutti – Thanks so much for your comments! I DO have a tendency toward cliche – which I will work hard to overcome. The change in characters is meant to be abrupt, and they’ll all be drawn together very, very soon… And hopefully – in an interesting way… RWB
I think that you have done a really strong job of setting up these characters and presenting them as normal people. I think the story is certainly engaging and flows well. At time perhaps it is a little heavy on the descriptions but i think they are done well. I think if you clarified what the illuminator is it could really help the readers understand why the fact that it was humming is so important. Otherwise i thought the chapters are well written and leave the reader wanting more.
Thanks Dan man… Heavy on descriptions to introduce – but will move into more action shortly… And yeah – I always think a good storyteller should keep many things mysterious, so that the reader longs to find out the full story… In my way of thinking – a good story should draw the reader (or listener) in, so that he/she wants very much to keep reading… Want to know what the hum was…? Keep reading, Sir! RWB
I really like what I’ve read so far, I’d like to see a lot more. It has a nice feel to it.
Making the characters normal people that you might meet on the bus is welcome and is done rather well here.
I just wonder how the two chapters will lead to the rest of the novel, but I can’t really critique that because I haven’t read the rest of the novel.
Thanks! Mr. or Ms. Dempsey… (Brandon’s brother/sister???) I hope that the whole book will have a nice feel to it. Hard for a writer to do. Will be working on that. Be good! RWB
I think the story you set up has a lot of potential, especially because books concerning physics are not that popular now (and never really have been). It’s an interesting topic. I just have a few small things I think would help improve your writing:
1. Vary the diction – It seems like the same adjective or verb is used multiple times in a sentence or a section. For example, towards the end of chapter one, the word “caress” is used multiple times. Playing around with the word choice can help to keep the reader entertained and help them to grasp the information given in the story.
2. Chapter correlation – Chapters one and two don’t really seem to have much in common. It is unclear whether the main character in chapter one is represented by one of the younger boys in chapter two, or if they are completely independent. The juxtaposition of these two chapters is slightly jarring to the reader because they haven’t quite grasped onto exactly who the narrator of chapter one is, and then a new, seemingly different and independent, main character comes into play. I would recommend adding more to chapter one or including a chapter in between the current ones in order to more fully characterize the narrator and show that they are two independent characters.
3. Vary sentence structure – Changing up the way you begin and end sentences and their individual lengths can help to keep the reader engaged (but make sure those changes in structure keep the voice consistent!)
4. More description – The story could use a bit more description, maybe of where it takes place, or who the narrator is, or what they look like, or their background… The scene is slightly unclear at first, and if it is clarified, it will help to paint a more intricate picture and aid the reader in visualizing the story.
Hi Haley… Very useful comments for me. Thank you. I absolutely agree – it’s a weakness to use the same words over and over (a weakness (there I go) I have). The two different first chapters are meant to jar – and the characters will be drawn together in the next few chapters… Hold on! – RWB
I really admire the characterization of the protagonist in the first chapter. Pete seems very realistic and I was immediately drawn in and felt connected to the character. There are also nice visual descriptions, such as the “blaze of deep iridescent blue light”, as well as the “wave of nausea” that “rippled through his head”. The only part I would change in the first chapter is the word choice of “caress” here:
” His right hand caressed the sleek metallic side of the illuminator’s containment unit…”
The word “caress” seemed a bit jolting in context, since “caress” is usually used in a sensual context, while here the protagonist is scared and seems to be facing some sort of trouble. Perhaps replace “caress” with “brushed upon” or “accidentally bumped into”.
As for the second chapter, I really like that while I read it, I could picture it as a flowing movie scene from a romantic comedy. However, I agree with the others that this Jason character needs more of an introduction, or some sort of established connection with Pete.
Points well taken, Andie… Thank you for commenting! The established connection is coming in the next chapter. I like to keep the reader a little off balance – but maybe I’m overdoing it. Will think seriously about that! Best, RWB
I like how you characterize both protagonists as such likeable, normal people and after reading your descriptions how I imagine these protagonists would function in a “physics thriller.” I especially like how the reader is able to learn about Pete by the way he walks around in the physics lab, and that in this context you’re able to show us and not tell us.
I agree with what Ms. James said about setting up one of the protagonists more thoroughly before introducing the other. I was caught off guard when you started speaking about Jason and originally couldn’t figure out if the protagonist was Peter or Jason. Maybe another way you could approach this is by having multiple parts in your novel, the first about Pete, the second about Jason, and the third,fourth, ect. about how they meet, interact, what happens, the thriller! Sorta like the way the novel A Thousand Splendid Suns is set up. A good start, sir.
Thank you, Sir Damiano, for your comments. The characters are gonna be drawn together in the succeeding chapter – Then, another character developed, along with Pete’s history. And then – a whole lotta action. Stay tuned! S’gonna be a scary, suspensful thriller. Starting out slowly… RWB
I think this is a good start to your novel. My question is: how do the two characters in each of the chapters relate? I am interested in reading more. I think you should maybe consider a first person narrative, at least in chapter 1. I find myself desperately trying to connect with the characters but it is difficult to do so the way it is currently written. Also, connecting to Mr Alfred’s point about description… my favorite parts are picturing the action on my own as your character searches in the dark or follows his girlfriend in the meadow. I want to visualize the writing and feel what the characters feel so in my opinion I think you can add more detail to chapter 1 and overall, you should always make sure to show instead of tell. Don’t say the boy ran. Talk about how his legs moved swiftly and why he was running. Hopefully that makes sense.
Thanks so much Dani. I’m getting consistent advice on this, and am going to add some more detail to these scenes… Also – I believe in show and not tell – will work more on that. Very constructive advice. Deeply appreciate. RWB
The engaging narrative voice here draws the reader in and keeps us reading. Peter is a credible and likable character, and the setting of his physics lab has some persuasive details. The mystery of the power outage launches the plot quickly, and the dialogue with Jimmy carries us along.
My main suggestion would be to further develop the storyline begun in chapter one before switching gears in chapter two. We have just begun to invest ourselves in Peter and his fate when we are swept off to the Americans, who so far are not nearly as interesting as Peter. Give us a solid 20-page chapter revolving around Peter before switching narration. Once you do get back to the frolicking pair, go easy on the details. Keep in mind your genre. If you are going for a Dan Brown style thriller, your readers are not going to be interested in romance writing. It’s fine to suggest the relationship since it appears integral to the plot line, but don’t let it derail the forward movement of the story. Your opening chapters should paint what is at stake for the main character and firmly hook the reader into the central mystery. That is already beginning to happen here.
Looking forward to reading more!
Thanks so much, Ms. James…. These are very thoughtful suggestions, which I will most certainly consider. I am intending to be abrupt in the change of characters in the first two chapters, and then to draw the reader into investing with them and several of the others characters slowly – as more and more is revealed. But agreed – probably did it a little too harshly. Will work on that! – – Also – I am keenly appreciative for the chance to post on this blog, and for the feedback. It’s a great privilege to have others read ones scribblings, and to have the chance to improve on ones writing this way. Am very grateful. Your students (many of whom I am honored to know) have provided very thoughtful and worthwhile advice. Mr. Bitler
The opening paragraph gives me a clear sense of the protagonist. He’s got a little of Walter Mitty in him, though he doesn’t take himself too seriously; and if he’s not Nobel material, his career path was pointed in that direction. The best characterization comes through details like the slight limp from playing with his nephews; the remark about “his wife would smile and laugh and tell her father that she had chosen well after all” also tells us about his life and serves to anticipate future character interactions.
Except for the physical details about the unstretched muscles and slight limp, this opening paragraph takes place entirely in the protagonist’s head. As a reader, I want to inhabit another world. Personally, I want immersion…on a sensory level, not an intellectual one.
The second paragraph places me in a physical world–a parking lot, in the evening or perhaps late at night–and I get to follow the MC into his interesting subterranean lab. And once he arrives, there’s almost immediately a problem: the lights won’t come on! What follows? More sensory detail, as he looks and feels his way around in the dark, and the sinister hum of the illuminator and the blue cube that blazes up and for just a moment lights up the lab (hey, opportunity: maybe show some choice image in this moment?). So: in this paragraph, I’m seeing, feeling, hearing–experiencing things with the MC.
Some nitpicks:
(1) Opening paragraph: He thought of the quantum illuminator inside [this sentence causes confusion–what is the quantum illuminator? inside where? is it a device inside him? or inside a physical location? the placement of this detail at this point leaves only the writer to know for sure…that knowledge locks the reader out]
(2) “there was not much that could excite him…or so he thought…” Doesn’t seem consistent with the daydreaming…and feels like an authorial intrusion, i.e. “Hey, reader, stay tuned! things are going to happen now…” Of course they are: it’s a story. I’d steer clear of anything that reads like “And so-and-so had no idea how such-and-such was going to figure into his life, but three chapters hence…but I, dear reader, know!” It feels like another way of locking the reader out. By comparison, the long sensory paragraph created the opposite feeling. “Come with me, now! Look at this, hear and/or feel that…” Nothing was held back, though it wasn’t given all at once.
(3) Don’t just trim adjectives and adverbs, look for the rhythms/effects you can create in phrasing things a certain way. For example, “The two of them ran up over the crest of a small forested hillock, sweating, and both seriously out-of-breath, as they…”
If you cut out “and both seriously”, you get “sweating, out-of-breath, as they…” Read them both aloud and compare them. The halting effect mirrors the “out-of-breath”ness.
(4) Well, okay, fine. This one’s not really a nitpick. I’d like to request that this story get a little grittier. Forget about “And there, nature took its way, and they laughed and kissed, and cast off their clothes, and made wild, carefree love in the midst of the evening meadow.” Das Bitler, do you realize that the English department at NA is teaching “The Unbearable Lightness of Being”?! So don’t play it so safe with this paragraph. Scorch my eyes! How did they cast off their clothes? Who made the first move? Which articles of clothing went first, and how? What kind of kiss? How did it start? What things did they say to each other that maybe started it all? They’re in a meadow. So…what did the grass feel like? Leave it to the reader to shut the book long enough to look around and make sure no one else is in the room, and say in awe: “Holy smokes! Now THIS is making wild, carefree love…”
Hahahahaha! Andrew – these are very fine suggestions with regard to use of language and how to interest the reader. I will take them most seriouslyin future iterations. BUT – on the love scence – I’m a believer in leaving certain things to the reader’s imagination…!!! I will consider detailing that scene a bit… – but in regards to sex – less is more, often. Will think about this! Thanks, man. RWB
Please offer helpful, positive feedback for the author. Consider the elements of fiction, such as characterization, plot, narration, setting, voice, diction, dialogue, description and patterns of imagery. Point out the aspects of the piece are working as well as those that might deserve further development. Be kind and helpful. The writer appreciates your time.